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Yes, I’m fully aware that I’ve used the word “ass” in my title two days in a row.
Tomorrow The Summer of Love continues with SJ as my guest poster.
Many thanks to Sarah over at Sad and Beautiful World for being my guest on yesterday’s SecondHand Radio. We talked about photography, Internet dating, and how messed up her garden is. It was a lot of fun. You can download the show if you missed it, or find it in iTunes - just search for “Secondhand Radio” and it’ll pop up in short order.
So July is supposed to be Cell Phone Courtesy Month. I find it ironic that this is the brainchild of Sprint, since they break so many courtesy rules with their fucking walkie-talkie feature. Wasn’t it bad enough before, when I had to listen to ONE side of a phone conversation everywhere I went? Now I have to listen to BOTH sides? Ugh. And that godawful chirping noise makes me want to shove the cell phone up the owner’s ass every time I hear it.
Cell Phone Courtesy Month, like many of the holidays and months we recognize, is odd to me. I mean, every single month should be Cell Phone Courtesy Month. And so many people are rude bastards when it comes to their cells that they need to have this shit drilled into their minds every single day, not just 30 of the 365 days each year.
Nevertheless, I thought I’d go over some of the things that I feel are incredibly shitty behavior when it comes to the use of cell phones. Because, as we all know, what I say goes.
WALKIE TALKIE PHONES
Let’s start with this one because I absolutely HATE this technology. I loved using walkie-talkies as a kid. It was cool to chat with your friends down the street on a walkie-talkie. That was way before cell phones. Hell, it was way before cordless phones.
But something happened to me along the way. I grew the fuck up. No matter how old you are, if you’re reading this, you are TOO OLD to be using a walkie-talkie phone. I know damn well that you can make that shit private. Do it. Now.
Unless you’re a damn telephone pole worker or on a SWAT team, there is no place in the world for your chirping walkie-talkie shit. Set your options so that nobody but you can hear the voice on the other end.
CALL WAITING
When you’re on the phone with me, *I* am the priority. Do NOT tell me, “Oh, I have another call. Hang on…” and then just zip off to leave me on hold while you answer the phone call of the person who didn’t call you FIRST. You have voicemail, let the other call go, asshat. You can talk to that person when we’re done.
HOLD
Speaking of “hold,” don’t put me on it. It’s rude. Unless you’re a neurosurgeon and you’re expecting a phone call from another neurosurgeon and you tell me at the beginning of our conversation, “Just so you know, I’m waiting for a call from a neurosurgeon, so if she calls I’ll have to let you go.” Then it’s mildly acceptable. Unless you’re having a sexual fling with aforementioned neurosurgeon, in which case you can bloody well wait until you get home so you can have video sex chat on your own time, just like normal people.
And if you absolutely MUST put me on hold, don’t make me wait more than 30 seconds. Flip over to the other call, say “I’ll call you back when I’m done talking to Karl, who is infinitely more important than you,” and get right back to me. If you make me wait more than 30 seconds, I’ll hang up. I’m not joking. I will. I’ve done it many times and I’ll do it again. You can call me back when it’s more “convenient” because I sure as hell ain’t waiting for you to get your shit together.
PUBLIC CONVERSATIONS
Pretend for a moment that you’re not the only person on the damn planet and that the people around you can actually HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING on those personal and private calls you insist on having in Wal-mart or the library or the grocery store check-out line or (for the love of God) in the fucking bathroom. Now, with that in mind, STOP TALKING.
Nobody wants to hear that you’re cramping or that you have a nasty case of crabs or that you’re getting all smoochy smoochy with your boyfriend. When you’re talking on the phone in public, take it aside to a more private place such as outside. Or your house.
Never EVER take your phone into church. Your cell phone’s “silent mode” is your friend. Use it. If your phone rings in church or the movies or the library, know that it’s perfectly acceptable for me to behead you for such a moronic offense.
BATHROOM TALK
Never. EVER. No exceptions.
When I hear a guy on a phone in a public bathroom I want to scream the sound of a thousand deaths. Even if you happen to be one of around 33% of guys who washes your hands after peeing or crapping, you certainly don’t wash YOUR PHONE.
Think about it next time you borrow someone’s cell phone. You really don’t know all the dirty places it’s been.
ON A DATE
If you’re lucky enough to go on a date with me, never EVER answer your phone while we’re on our date. Period. Again, that’s what voicemail is for.
Never EVER text to your BFF that you’re amazed at how much hotter I am in person. Never EVER LOOK at your cell phone unless we happen to break down on the side of the road in my awesome Mitsubishi Galant. Because, really, I have no freaking idea what to do with my car, other than put gas in it on occasion.
Seriously, ignore your phone on dates. It’s totally rude not to. The person you’re with should be the sole receiver of your attention for however long the date lasts.
The fact that I have to say that is just amazing to me. But I’ve had more than one date say “Just a moment” a dozen times only so they can text someone. Fuck that.
TEXTING
Right, texting. In general, you just shouldn’t do it unless you’re by yourself. It’s rude to those hanging with you. There are exceptions, of course. BrittCon, for example, where we were trying to coordinate meetings with half of New York City. But if you’re at dinner with friends, again, LEAVE THE FUCKING PHONE ALONE.
RING TONES
Don’t do it. Really. Don’t. They’re wrong. It’s bad enough that I have to hear phones chirping and ringing every other nanosecond I’m out of my house. But to hear the fucking Macarena or The Sopranos theme song or any other song that you somehow think is “cute and witty” makes me want to give you a Colombian necktie.
Yes, even the personalized ringtones that you’ve selected to play whenever *I* call you. Wrong.
Besides, if you’re stupid enough to pay $3 for a 20-second clip of music, I probably don’t want to talk to you, anyway.
DIALING WHILE DRIVING
Again, scary this needs mentioning, but don’t do it. Unless you have voice dialing or some other mode of hands-free communication, pay attention to the road, please. And you should NEVER text while driving, you moron.
HEADSETS
Are only for use when you are making or receiving a call. Dave is right on this, for sure. Wearing a bluetooth headset all day long in case you receive a call is absolutely retarded. Really, I won’t talk to you if you’re wearing one of those things. How do I know you’re not talking to someone else? Plus, it’s just embarrassing to be seen with you.
STOP SCREAMING
Would you please talk at a normal speaking volume when you call me? Stop the screaming. Unless I’m in an airport gate with 10 delayed flights worth of people in 3rd world conditions and can’t hear a damn thing, you’re not helping me by yelling. And if YOU’RE in a hard-to-hear environment, screaming at me is just as effective as talking loudly when you discover someone is blind.
COMMON SENSE
It all comes down to common sense, really. Courtesy and manners. Treat me like you would want to be treated. No, scratch that. Treat me like the god I am and we’ll get along fine.
Break these rules at your own risk. I’ll totally rip that fucking phone out of your hands and throw it in the toilet. And half of you would probably pick the damn thing out of the muck and keep on talking.
Filed under Rants, Web/Tech |41 Responses to “Cell Phone Courtesy Month My Ass”
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Unless you have an iPhone.
Then none of the rules apply to you because you’re not just using any old mobile phone… you’re using an iPhone!
I am so tired of being put on hold. My mom is the worst offender. Almost every time I call I am put on hold at least once and I am the idiot that actually waits. If she remembers me, that is. Sometimes she forgets that I’ve called until I call back. She never puts anyone on hold if I call though. And she wonders why I don’t call her as often.
I worked for a Cellular company for several years and anything that can be done to, with, or on a phone, I have heard about, or worse - seen. Thankfully I only had to spend the first few months in Customer Care because, seriously, people are such babies about their phones! You will not literally die during the 30 minutes it takes to get your new phone! Next time don’t drop it in the toilet! They do make other battery operated “appliances” you can purchase for that purpose instead.
I had a boss (at the unnamed Cellular company) who would win the prize for overall discourteousness. First, he seemed to only call me if he was in the bathroom. He would actually lie and say he wasn’t but you can tell! I’d say, “Hey, are you in the bathroom?” and he would say, “Noooooo, I’m in my office” *FLUSH*
He also called at the most inconvenient times, on purpose. I had surgery once while I worked there and specifically told him not to call me. If he needed anything that bad I would be in after surgery to sign my time sheet. As I was waking up from the anesthesia I heard my phone ring. The nurse laughed and said that it had rung 4 times during my surgery. Guess who? My fault because I didn’t think to turn it off because no one was supposed to call me.
He was also a screamer. He was loud enough when he wasn’t on the phone but you could hear him coming back from Starbucks 2 blocks away when he was on the phone.
There were so many other things but my biggest pet peeves about cell phones came from him: Make sure you actually turn the phone off before you call the person on the other end a “fucking bitch”.
Dude. I love you and all, but after this post and the Brittcon bitch-fest, I’m voting you:
“Most likely to chase kids off his lawn with his cane.”
Seriously dude. Midol.
[...] Many thanks to Sarah over at Sad and Beautiful World for being my guest on yesterday??s SecondHhttp://secondhandkarl.com/2008/07/cell-phone-courtesy-month-my-ass/funIf you are interested in adopting a pet or need to find your missing pet, stop at the Rhinelander [...]
Y’know, I was reading this post and thinking to myself that what you said was — oh. Hold on. I’ve got a call. Talk to you later.
so when i was twittering from my cell phone while in the hotel bathroom, you were mortified, right? hehe
I think I break almost all of those. Definitely the bathroom one.
I agree with you 100% on all points, and yes it’s all common sense..,but can I keep my ring tone? Please? It’s totally awesome, really…it’s the theme from “The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly”…. and I got it for free.
I hate the walkie-talkie phones too.
Not because of the noise.
Because I have one and that chirp means someone from work is calling me.
So yeah… I’m an uncourteous walkie-talkie user.
Heh, I was just about to press “Submit Comment” about the walkie-talkie thing and Dawg and now I see his comment, but… oh, what the hell, let’s do it anyway.
Unless you’re a damn telephone pole worker or on a SWAT team, there is no place in the world for your chirping walkie-talkie shit.
Or part of EMS/responder teams in general. Dawg uses the walkie-talkie feature of his cell for work all the time. And by all the time, I mean even in the middle of the night.
Excellent summary. This list should be issued with each and every cell phone sale and the buyer should be forced to take a quiz that proves they know it.
My cell phone has a plain old “ringing” sound. Remember that?
Penny - Did you shoot your boss in the face?
Jester - I may not rant as well as you, but I do think there are things worth ranting about. Are you telling me you don’t know anyone who needs lessons in etiquette? Besides, I don’t care if kids are on my lawn. They make great target practice.
James - Heh.
Hello - I found it humorous, but gross. Note that I didn’t borrow your phone.
Britt - Argh! How plugged into the Matrix do you have to be when you can’t break away from the phone for three minutes to use the loo?
Fox - Sure, keep your ringtone. Just don’t keep your phone in the bottom of your purse and go fumbling for it for 20 minutes before answering it. I don’t want to hear that stuff for minutes at a time.
NYCWD - Well, when I said SWAT team members I was actually including cops and EMTs in there, as well. I can see it for use in work situations. But can you change that chirping noise? Because that would drive me up the damn wall.
Poppy - Ugh. Well, if he’s on duty that’s one thing, but if he’s not, I’d turn that shit off.
Jeff - Yeah, mine has a plain ol’ ring. Or as close as I could get to one without paying for something else.
Try going to dinner with your two teenage daughters. It basically consists of their two phones vibrating like dueling banjos - they get so many texts. And then I get jealous because my phone isn’t vibrating.
I was sitting in primacare the other day listening to a little old lady’s cell phone conversations with every member of her family. Then she got up, continued talking, and went into the restroom. I thought it was crazy she couldn’t take a break just to use the restroom.
She did offer some good advice for her kids though.
Many women at work use our restroom as if it’s their own personal phone booth. What is WRONG with people?!
It’s funny you wrote about this today
One of the issues I didn’t want to write about yesterday involved cell phones. And Texting especially. Great piece!
All the things you mentioned? Are the reasons I came to HATE cell phones. Plus the invasion-of-my-personal-time factor. I no longer carry one. I take ours with me if I’m traveling somewhere alone, but that’s it. And you know what? I haven’t died yet. It turns out I am quite capable of making a beer run or whatever WITHOUT A PHONE.
That said, if everyone followed your rules, I would cease hating cell phones. Except for the invasion-of-my-personal-time factor.
P.S. Guess what? My post for tomorrow is ALREADY DONE!!! No, you cannot see it. It’s a SURPRISE.
Well written, Karl. Most of these are pet peeves of mine and drive me batty. Common courtesy is sadly lacking in this technological age. We need to bring it back.
My ex-husband would meet me for dinner dates and set his cell phone and blackberry on the table. Whenever either device would ring/vibrate, he would immediately stop talking or listening and answer/read it. It got to the point where as soon as he set his toys down, I would tense up knowing they were more important.
I hate the walkie-talkie phones, as well. However, I also refuse to let someone go to voicemail if I can avoid. I would much rather tell them I’ll call them back, or if they have a quick question, I can answer it and be done. I break most of those, too, now that I think about it. I text while I’m with people, I have awesome ringtones, and I’ve answered work calls in the bathroom.
Stacey - I have no idea. There is nothing that cannot wait 5-10 minutes while you’re in the bathroom. Unless the house/building is on fire.
Elfenkate - Thanks. It just kills me, the lack of manners people have these days.
SJ - Well, I’m not reading any of the blog posts ahead of time. I want to be surprised like everyone else. So you can totally set your post to be published tonight at midnight and I won’t read it till it comes out.
Dragon - Ugh, yeah, that’s it exactly. I don’t want to feel like I’m second fiddle to anything when I’m with you. Keep your cells in your pocket or purse.
Avitable - Why have voicemail if you’re not going to use it? It’s not like you’re offending someone by not answering your phone. Now, I do have another pet peeve where people don’t respond to voicemails (relatively) promptly. I expect to hear back from a person within 24 hours if I leave a voicemail, unless there’s something which warrants them getting back to me later than that.
I only have voicemail for the rare times that I’m not around to answer the phone. But if I’m there, I’ll answer. One main reason, too, is that I never leave voicemails myself. I have time to talk to that person at that moment, and if they’re not there, I’ll just hang up.
I agree with some of your points, but the one about public conversations is just retarded. It’s not rude to carry on a conversation in public, even in restaurants. People do it all the time. But for some reason, people act like you’re farting in their face if you happen to be carrying on a conversation with someone over the phone.
My theory on this is that people believe it’s rude only because they can’t eavesdrop on the entire conversation.
Really? Wow, you have better self-control than *I* do. I’d be reading those suckers the minute someone started a draft.
In that case, I’ll move it over here as soon as I get home.
Karl: AMEN!
Steve: Are you crazy? It IS rude to talk on your cell in a restaurant. No one wants to hear your conversation. Repeat this ten times: “I am sofa king we todd it.”
I agree with Steve. What’s the difference between talking on a phone and talking with someone who’s sitting right there?
FENCE.
I agree, there’s no difference between talking with someone on the phone and someone in front of you, as long as there’s not that YELLING thing happening.
However, if I am at dinner with someone and they spend their entire time on the phone with one person or multiple people and spend no/little time with me then what the fuck am I doing there?
My experience has been that people talking on cell phones usually speak in a louder voice. It also seems that they are so involved with their conversation that they don’t notice if they are bothering anyone. I think it would be polite of them to take their call outside.
And if the person on the cell phone is not alone, I thinks he/she is being extremely rude to the other person.
I’m talking about “conversations” not a quick “I’ll call you back.”
Great post and I agree with most of it.
Ringtones… sounds like you have heard all of the wrong ringtones. If you don’t have Led Zep or Black Sabbath or Guns n Roses for ringtones, then I could see being so tired of the same ol’ shit tones that every fucking person has on their phone. Custom tones that you have made yourself using cool songs from MP3 files are acceptable, IMO.
Avi makes a good point about not having people go to voice mail. I know voice mail is a cool tool, but I hate leaving voice mails and I know I’m not the only one.
If it’s an unknown number, then I let it go to voice mail, but that’s called screening your calls and it’s acceptable for some of the weird numbers that come across my screen every so often.
The one that I hate the most are those chirping Nextel walkie-talkie things. I had breakfast with my girlfriend and her folks yesterday at a diner an I had to sit there listening to the dude next to us chat back and forth to his co-workers.
I might have said something too if he wasn’t twice my size. Crap!
Steve - I’m not talking about ALL conversations, but the very private ones. Many people seem to put on blinders the moment they’re on the phone, forgetting that everyone around them can hear what they’re talking about. I wouldn’t start talking about my sex life in a restaurant if I was dining with a friend; ergo, I shouldn’t be talking about it on the phone to a friend that isn’t in the restaurant with me. By the same token, just because something happens all the time, doesn’t make it okay.
SJ - I have a tremendous amount of self control. Sometimes.
Employee 3699 - I think I see Steve’s point, to be fair. As long as it’s not an incredibly personal conversation, I’m okay with it.
Avitable - The difference, in many cases, is that we talk about entirely different things with someone in person than we do with someone on the phone, forgetting that people around can hear us. Somehow much more intimate conversations are okay on the phone, which is ridiculous. And I’m specifically talking about public situations such as restaurants or grocery stores. People are Captain Oblivious when they get on the phone.
Poppy - exactly.
Employee 3699 - Really, that’s my point. As long as you are aware that those around you can hear what you’re saying, that’s fine. Most people don’t tend to acknowledge that, however. And yeah, if you’re on the phone with someone while sitting with people, that’s rude. Manners 101.
B.E. Earl - Yeah, those are the phones I’m talking about. Sprint owns Nextel now so it’s the same thing.
Um….I do a lot of these things and I don’t consider them to be rude, especially when in the company of people who do the same thing. I mean, seriously? No texting while with other people? Hello…TequilaCon? Brittcon? Jesterpoo? We all do it so I think it depends on the situation.
As do a lot of these things…
Look man, I love you to death but there will eventually be a reason that I need to answer my call waiting or put you on hold. Also? This isn’t specifically about you but in general, if I have been talking to someone for an hour then someone else I really need to talk to calls me, I will most likely hang up with person one unless we’re just in the middle of something totally important.
I do agree with the ringtones one, mostly because I am easily annoyed. Other than that, age doesn’t seem to be making me crotchety…just indifferent.
PS - Please excuse my typos…have an arm brace and all that.
Employee No. 3699 and Karl: The point being, it’s the topic of conversation, not the cell phone, that really makes it rude. If I’m sitting at a table in a restaurant carrying on a conversation, it really makes no difference whether that person is on a phone or across the table from me. Or at least it shouldn’t. If the conversation I’m having would be appropriate for someone sitting across the table from me, then you can blow it out your ass if you think I’m rude simply because I’m talking to someone on the phone instead.
Of course, if I’m eating with someone and not alone in the restaurant, I wouldn’t ignore that person to talk on the phone. I’d be sure to use the speakerphone.
Steve:
What I object to is the volume of some of the conversations I’ve had the misfortune of overhearing, not the topic. I would hope that people would have the common sense to censor their topic, though common sense is not always that common.
In the same token I would hope that parents would take an obnoxious child into the restroom until they calm down so that the other patrons are not subjected to their outburst.
It’s all about being courteous, but there is always going to be someone that doesn’t give a crap and give cell phone usage, parenting, whatever a bad rap.
Truce?
Employee 3699 - Right, it’s more the volume that I have issue with, particularly when it’s a conversation of a sensitive nature.
The only calls I take when I am hanging with people or talking to someone on the phone are from work.
But I must confess I do have one of those ring tones, but it doesn’t count because I don’t technically pay my phone bill so I am not paying for it, right?
The thing that pisses me off the most, more than anything really, is when people are on their phones while I am ringing up their purchases. I HATE THAT.
My take on this is that cell phones are like an adult pacifier…or blankie.
People have real problems..get this.. just being BY THEM SELVES.
So they chatter so that everyone (that they don’t know), sees, and hears that they HAVE PEOPLE. “See, I am cool and popular…IN DEMAND, baby!”
yuck.
I had a great comment yesterday, but my intrawebz was all fucked up and it got lost. So here’s go again….
OLD PEOPLE. if the phone is too small, the buttons are too small, the ringtones are confusing, suck it up, admit you’re old and buy a frickin Jitterbug.
IDIOTS WHO PUT PHONE ON SPEAKER. Oh jeeze. Who are these frickin asshats who try to turn a regular phone into a walkie talkie phone by putting it on speaker and holding it up to their ear? YOU LOOK LIKE A RETARD! STOP IT!!!!
That is all.
Good, I’m glad you feel the same way. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who thinks it’s completely dismissive.