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Dear People in Charge of Assembling Federal Grand Juries:
Hi there, my name is Karl Erikson. Perhaps you’ve heard of me? I’m pretty famous between my ears.
It has come to my attention that I have been issued a Federal grand jury summons. My mom told me this, as she’s checking my mail while I’m out of Florida. I’m sure you know I’m in Texas right now, visiting friends and hitting the Guinness as often as possible. That’s okay, isn’t it? I mean, I won’t be drinking all that much if you want me on the grand jury. I never drink before 8 in the morning, anyway.
According to my mom, this jury summons is for Fort Pierce. I find that surprising, since you must know I don’t live in Boca Raton any more. After all, the summons reached my house in Sebring. True, I haven’t yet changed my driver’s license to reflect my current address, but I’ll take care of that when I get back home. Now that I live 2-1/2 hours from either Florida coast, this is really going to put a crimp in your plans to secure me for a jury.
Nevertheless, I’m very excited about the opportunity to serve. The letter says that I’ll be required to report on June 9 and that I have to be available for two weeks. Fortunately for you, I’m absolutely available since I got fired from my job because of my blog. I do tend to have a big mouth; hope that won’t be a deterrent for you.
This is going to be magnificent blog fodder, I’m sure. I’ll write about all my thoughts regarding whatever case you decide to put me on. And you’ll be able to see me liveblogging from my cell phone, too. I think this will make it incredibly convenient for both the prosecutors and the defenders, since they can see things I’m thinking about the case.
I’ll be very descriptive with potential comments such as:
“Damn, the defending attorney is hot! I’m thinking this guy is innocent…otherwise, how could he score such a babe of an attorney? So what if he was seen by 70 people bludgeoning the victim to death with a Nerf bat. Maybe I can get the attorney’s digits.”
“Juror #12 just floated an air biscuit. They really need ventilation fans above the jury box. Geez, smells like the rotten end of a menstruating skunk!”
“This guy is so guilty. I think he should hang. That’ll teach him for stealing an Oh Henry bar from the 7-11.”
“I’m singing ‘America the Beautiful’ standing on my chair. Why is the bailiff charging my way?”
“When do they scream, ‘You can’t HANDLE the truth!’ ?”
“I wonder if they use chocolate syrup for blood in those crime scene photos.”
“Would they kick me off the Grand Jury if I mentioned that I’ve slept with the defendant? It was more than 48 hours ago, so I’d think they’d be OK with it. She wasn’t even good in bed, so I’m not biased.”
“The day goes by so much faster when you’re jamming with your iPod.”
“Juror #7 just pinched my ass. He’s so not my type.”
“They don’t like it when you hum the theme from ‘Law & Order.’”
See? I’d be a GREAT Grand Juror. I hope it’s okay that I don’t believe in the death penalty under any circumstances. Plus, I don’t want to let tiny little things like the facts cloud my sentencing. I do get to sentence the bastard, don’t I? I think all criminals should be treated like outpatients. That way we don’t have to pay for their room and board. Make them get jobs and report in every morning for their daily shivving. This will aid the taxpayers immensely.
I also hope that Denny Crane will be there. He rocks. And Alan Shore.
Does having Tourette’s Syndrom preclude me from being a juror?
I’ll call you when I get home this Thursday. Can’t wait. I like to stay in the Sheraton, by the way, so if you can make the reservations and get back to me with the confirmation number, I’d appreciate it.
Sincerely yours truly,
Karl Erikson
PS: If I bring enough weed to share with everyone on the jury, will that be okay?
PPS: I hope you know that I always like to wear a crown.
41 Responses to “A Letter to the Courts System”
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Do they still let you into Sheratons?
I’m sure the people at the grand jury will be glad to you have you, you seem like an ideal candidate.
*GIGGLE*
BTW, Karl, did you get a Sheraton survey? Got mine today, and we ripped them a new asshole over the smoking policy change not being communicated.
Ah, the dreaded jury notice. You shouldn’t be surprised though about being summoned to a place far away from where you live. The state of NJ still sends us tax forms every year and we haven’t lived or worked in Jersey in almost five years! You think they’d figure that out, oh, I don’t know, from the address maybe!?!
Now that you’ve posted this, please be sure to watch out for any unmarked sedans and “exterminator” vans parked on your street.
Stellar darling. I have only been called to jury duty once but fortunately since I’m a student I got out of it. Personally I’d love to see you on a jury humming the Law and Order theme.
Poppy - yeah, just got one. I deleted it. There’s no incentive for me to invest my time in those things. If they really want to know what I think, they should pay me.
BBM - It is surprising to me. I haven’t lived over there in 3 years.
James - you’re scaring me, dude. I’ll be on the lookout now.
Lady Jaye - I don’t mind being summoned, really. Might be exciting.
I would actually pay to be on a jury with you. I think it would be fun.
Ft. Pierce? Wow. There’s a place I haven’t thought about in years.
You had me at “I wear a crown”.
That’s awesome. You totally rock my world Karl. If I ever get incarcerted by the feds, I hope you’re on my jury..
ROFL if only you had been present for my jury selection 12 years ago, Karl! Would have been a blast!
course, I didn’t get picked either. Stupid fucker decided to plead guilty at the last minute, and so all the jury people were dismissed *sigh*
OMG… that’s shit was good. Very good. Get Denny Crane’s autograph if you see him….
So this begs the question… if you blog about it, will they fire you from your blog or drop you from jury duty? Curious minds would like to find out.
Kat - I haven’t thought about it at all. Guess I’ll be thinking about it next month.
Miss Britt - Let’s face it, I had you at whacking it, jacking it, and peeing on the floor.
Bubblewench - I’d let you off with a smooch.
Cissa - I pretty much sat around all day the first time I was called for jury duty. Brought a book and a notepad to write on and I was happy.
Martymankins - Nobody on Earth has the authority to fire me from my blog. Except for me. Oh, and God. I’m pretty sure if God came down and said, “Quit your blog,” I’d do it. He’d have to show me a burning bush or maybe some other pyrotechnics but I’d listen.
OK, that’s totally true.
By the way - I haven’t told my husband that little story yet. I figure it will make “no you can’t come to NYC with me, my room is already full with Karl and The Girls” a little easier to sell.
Oh no. Please do.
Just don’t mention you’re a public masturbator.
Screw being on a jury they should just make you judge!
You lived in Boca? My God, Karl, did we date? I grew up in Boca. I haven’t moved far. Why did we not know each other?
I want to see you on a jury in Ft. Pierce. You and a bunch of rednecks… that’ll work.
Finn - Yeah, I was there for a couple of years before moving to Sebring.
If I am ever on trial I want you on the jury.
Ooh, grand jury! That’s more exciting than a normal one. You get to hear a whole shitload of cases and decide indictments.
When my parents became U.S. citizens, they were immediately called to jury duty. When I became a citizen, I got nothing. I have never been asked to serve.
I always have wanted to though. Maybe my note will be in the mail today?
Oh this sounds like fun! I’m sure they’ll absolutely let you blog/twitter your way through the cases. Damn this is gonna be a good show ;o)
Karl, you’ve raised jury duty evasion to an art form. They’re going to sequester your ass anywhere but their court room. : )
I was summoned here in Las Cruces when I still lived in Phoenix. I had lived in Phoenix for 6 years, had two kids and bought a house, but they still wanted me. Nice to know someone wants my opinion that badly.
I look forward to the twitter fodder. It’s going to be good.
I really think you should send them that. It would be really funny.
You know, from this, I am not sure whether you are really looking forward to jury duty or not. Cause dude, you sure make it sound fun!
You’re hired.
Avitable - Excellent!
Lynda - It’ll happen, trust me. Probably. It took me a long time to get my first one in Dallas. And I’ve had a Florida driver’s license for about 5 years now.
Penelope - I wonder if they like intense giggling from the jurors? Because if anyone says penal code I’m gonna crack up.
John - I’d actually welcome it. Though I don’t want to drive 3 hours to get there.
Trysha - Did you still have to go?
Shelli - Ha, I should. I don’t think I have the balls, though.
Shannon - Totally looking forward to it, really. I look at it as part of my civic duty. heh, I said duty.
Barnmouse - I thought so!
FINALLY got through all the entries you’ve written this past week. Here are some thoughts on what I read:
1) Your daughters are GORGEOUS! And they seem level-headed and intelligent, among other things. You have every reason to be proud!
So weird you mentioned Broken Arrow, OK in your blog. That’s where the Missions School I’m going to after I complete my RN so I can get the training I need for the missionary end of things. AWESOME!
2) WOW! Alive seems like such an amazing thing to be a part of. Thanks for the links on how to donate - come payday, I’ll be donating!
3) SUH-WEEEEET! We have something else in common: both of us LOVE to wear crowns. I almost shed a tear.
4) I want to go to TC this next year SO FREAKING BAD! If I can arrange it, as I’ll be a full-time nursing student again, I am making it my goal to be there. What a blast! I’m so envious!
5) … Uhm, I don’t really see myself as an “introvert” but I can be shy around new people unless I’m really comfortable with them, in which case, you’ll get more Amber than you ever wanted. I hope I’m not shy and a total dumbass around all the Blogging Giants that will be in attendance.
6) I *heart* your blog and am so glad I finally got to catch up.
7) You sound like a busy, busy, man with all the traveling you’re doing/have done. Again. Envious!
I think that’s all. It’s nearly midnight and I’m so ready for bed after a 12 1/2 hour work day.
You take care of yourself (not like that, perv!) and stay safe. I’ll be reading!
Ooooohhh. Grand jury. That could be interesting and you would be a fine juror and would love to sit next to you on that jury. ha.
Ft. Pierce….man that brings back some memories as that’s where I did my scuba instructor training. ha. Just remember it being hot and bugs….oh the cockroaches! We weren’t there too long so didn’t get to see the good side I suppose.
Grand jury is way more fun than the regular stuff. It’s like the difference between the Sheraton and the Motel 6. Make sure you wear the crow. They are very high brow at the federal level.
CROWN. Damn my arthritis and the sticky N key. *sigh*
Patty - I don’t see roaches at all, but yeah, it’s freaking hot.
Winter - Ha, I knew what you meant, no worries.
I want your shirt.
Thanks for getting the “Law and Order” theme stuck in my head.
Really.
i have your crown, baby. shall i mail it to you?
p.s. welcome home.
Sybil Law - You’re quite welcome.
Hello - Nah, I’ll just pick it up from you next month.
You are pure comedy and wit. Brava,…