So yeah, yesterday’s post. Wow, I just want to thank you all for your comments. Much appreciated.
Some of you mentioned that they thought the newspaper would change its mind and ask me to come back. And that I should ask for a raise and better benefits.
It’s important to note that I was not an employee of the paper. As I mentioned in yesterday’s comments, I was merely a columnist, a paid contractor. So there were no benefits involved. This was not a full-time job.
I think the most commonly-asked questions posed to me is this one: “Karl, what exactly is it you do for a living?”
And now, I digress.
I love it when people say they laugh their ass off at one of my posts. Better yet, if someone spews coffee out their nose…awesome. But most of you that have read me for any length of time know that there’s an awful lot of crap going on in between my ears. I face the effects of severe depression on a daily basis. You’d better believe that I don’t want to post at least half of the time.
Now many of you will say that I shouldn’t blog if I don’t want to blog. That it takes away the entire point of blogging, which is to express yourself and really enjoy the experience. Well, that may be fine for you. Maybe you’re not a daily publisher. That’s fine. But it’s not fine for me. I really need to be writing every day. It’s more than just therapeutic. I may be horsing around most of the time here, but it really is important for me to put my stuff out there, to reach out, to interact.
I live in a rather small town. I know very few people. I don’t get out very much. This may be sad, but it’s a fact. The bulk of my friendships are online.
And I have blogged about this work thing in years past, but never here, never amongst YOU. I’ve thought about this for quite a while and with TequilaCon coming in the next few weeks, I know I’m going to have to answer this again and again and come up with some generic answer.
What exactly do I do for a living?
That’s just it, the truth is I don’t do anything.
I’ve been on Social Security disability for nearly 10 years now. God, has it really been that long? *sigh* I had a huge mental meltdown 10 years ago and immediately entered an intensive outpatient program (group therapy) five days a week…for two fucking years. YEARS.
Diagnosis: PTSD, severe depressive disorder, bipolar disorder
I’ll likely write about my financial implosion during my initial period of short-term disability later. For now, I’ll just say I had to fight for over a year and a half with the insurance company. I went from making nearly $100,000 a year to getting handouts at the local food shelter within twelve months. It wasn’t fun, especially while I was fighting major demons.
I got the SSDI and I haven’t been back to work since. Not really. I tried going back to work (technical writing) again in 2000 for about four months and got fired. I was really not able to focus and wasn’t doing my best work, to be sure.
So the newspaper column? The one I got fired from after 2-1/2 years, that was my ONLY job.
I hate this about myself. It’s embarrassing as hell. The fact is I want to work, but I’m terrified at the prospect of trying to get myself another “real job.” What if I’m just that fucked up that I CAN’T go back to work? Like…ever? This is where my self-worth comes into question. I’m a master at self-sabotage, I’ve pioneered new techniques, believe me.
So how does Karl make his living? He pretty much doesn’t.
Argh. Anyway, now you know. I have lots of time on my hands. All the better to torture myself.
I’m not looking for pity here, that’s not what this is about. I’m just tired of keeping it a secret.
I’ve been thinking about it ever since yesterday, what’s bringing me so down all of a sudden? I’ve been bummed lately, anyway, and the newspaper column only added to it. Cus, you know, that was one of those things that meant I was almost normal. Now you know why I’m pretty bummed about losing a once-a-week column.
Fuck, who needs a drink?
By the way, this is one of those times I feel like just hibernating and withdrawing from all things online. But I’m not gonna do it. Screw that.
Still, I’ll take a drink.
GOOD FOR YOU, not hibernating and hiding away from us – having suffered the depression at on time myself I can say that you’re SO smart to realize that it’d just go downhill from there.
I think you’re very brave, and I love you. ?
akaMonty’s last blog post..HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
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I hope you don’t go hide. This was brave of you. I know it’s been something you’ve kept hidden but honestly, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re a good person, Karl. And I’m sorry you feel the way you do about yourself.
(If that doesn’t help, here, I bought you a Guinness.)
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I’m so very proud of you right now. I know how hard it was to tell everyone this but you are right….getting it out there and not hiding it will set you free.
Love you.
Hilly’s last blog post..TypePad and WordPress Sitting In A Tree (While MT and Blogger Watch)!
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GOOD FOR YOU, not hibernating and hiding away from us – having suffered the depression at one time myself I can say that you’re SO smart to realize that it’d just go downhill from there.
I think you’re very brave, and I love you. ?
akaMonty’s last blog post..HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
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Hang in there. I’ve met you – you’re as normal as the rest of us. Not that that’s saying much, though!
Avitable’s last blog post..The Sound of One Hand Fapping
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Monty – thanks.
Sizzle – I’ll take that Guinness! Thanks.
Hilly – whee! I’m free! Um, guess it hasn’t kicked in yet.
Avitable – hmm, is that a compliment or an insult?
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I know, right?
Avitable’s last blog post..The Sound of One Hand Fapping
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Putting your shit out there like that is monumental, you seriously impress me. Even though I’m sure it wasn’t the easiest thing to write I bet in many ways it’s good just to get it off your chest. I’m with you on the drinks though..takes the edge off
There’s a reason people come to your blog everyday to read about what’s going on in your life, and speaking for me personally, it’s because I love your quirks, no matter how big or small…it makes up who you are, and your just a lovable cool guy all around. Of course, the cute pics you’ve been posting up lately isn’t hurting either
Glenda’s last blog post..Less Is More
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Glenda – thanks very much. There are plenty of quirks to go around!
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Lost my job and college to depression. Took a few years but I am back on my feet in a new career, a total flip.
There’s always hope.
Zanthera’s last blog post..Penial Series
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I won’t say “Oh, babe, you’re just fine. We’re all a little whacked”, mainly because that seriously lessens what you’ve been through. I also can’t say “Wow. You’re kind of a freak”…because, let’s face it, we all have some stuff that makes us less than normal. Some more so than others.
This revelation certainly doesn’t lessen your position in MY eyes at all. You are as amazing to me now as you were before, only just more available to come visit me, ASAP. You did say you liked the Pac. NW, no?
Raising my Jack & Diet to your Guinness. Wondering why you drink Guinness.
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When I saw the headline for this post, I thought for sure I was going to click over here to see you showing off your penis.
Iron Fist’s last blog post..morning hair
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You’re a braver man than I, Karl. Good on you for telling us about YOU. I remember you touching on some of this back in the Blurty days, but this was brave. *applause*
And I have to also add that we and our situations are more similar than I ever really realized. I may just drop you an e-mail to compare notes. But…I don’t know that I’ll be exposing my own demons in my blog anytime soon. Then again, who knows. It’s about time I actually wrote about something real in my life.
James’s last blog post..Video test.
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You know Karl, you had nothing to hide. It doesn’t matter to us (or it shouldn’t) how your business/work area of your life is set up. All of us work through and just try to do our best – it doesn’t matter what the results are, just that we are making it through. And you are.
You know I’m here too, any time you need to chat.
Kyra (savy)’s last blog post..In In In!
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I’ve never been diagnosed as having depression. That doesn’t mean I don’t have it. This post is an inspiration to me, truly, because I have suffered with this shit until I feel like I’m drowning most of the time. And I try not to EVER mention it to anyone, because I think, WHO wants to hear that shit all the time? And I agree that the worst thing you can do is hide yourself away. But I’ve done it a million times. I have started and stopped more blogs because of my personal shit than I even care to count.
You are very brave. I’m a fan.
Miss Anne Derstood’s last blog post..I got MORE answers!
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Well not sure what to say that hasn’t already been said. From someone who gets paid to write for a living and who has worked in newspapers, you are one hell of a good writer. I do enjoy it tremendously.
You know it doesn’t matter what you do to me (nor does it to many of your readers, I suspect.) We all have our stories, we all have our issues , our foible and our strengths.
All to say, I do look forward to your posts in the morning when I get up. And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on… I’m an MSN message away.
Nat’s last blog post..So who are you?
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Your “secret” does not change a thing about how I feel about you except that I have just so much more respect for you for being brave enough to share this with everyone. You are an awesome person, and I wish you knew that in your heart as much as I do.
tori’s last blog post..Plumbers Crack and Pre Teen Drama
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Ah it seems the ‘revealing’ nature of HNT is catching on.
Thank you for trusting your blog buddies enough to tell us this and for trusting yourself enough to not hibernate.
Come see mah boobage–can’t hurt
Turnbaby’s last blog post..Half Nekkid Thursday Edition No. 4
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Wow. I’m totally impressed.
You’ve finally come to the point in your life where you recognize that you suffer from a chemical imbalance and not from a character defect or flaw.
So many people are afraid of the stigma of saying they have a mental illness because of the backlash those two words generate.
This is tremendously huge for you. Saying it out loud to perfect strangers? H U G E.
And honestly, don’t you feel just a little bit relieved that you unloaded something that was eating at you all these years unnecessarily?
How overwhelmed you must have been trying to keep your “secret.”
Whatever you do, though? Don’t stop dancing in your boxer shorts. Or eating sausages with your toes. THEN we’d REALLY have something to worry about!
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I just fell very, very deeply in love with you.
Seriously.
Wait – can you say that to a severely depressed person? Because, I mean, you know I’m *married* – right?
But seriously. Please don’t ever use the “I am fucked up” phrase again. You live too close to me. I will come fuck your shit up for real.
You are NOT “fucked up”. Not anymore than the rest of us.
/defensive, protective rant. Heh. Sorry.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..All roads lead to Karaoke
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I’m really proud of you for admitting this. I knew you struggled with depression, but I had no idea the depth to which you dealt with it. Personally, I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of. All the diagnosis you mentioned are diseases, just like cancer any other reason that somebody would be too ill to work. the only reason you feel shame is because there is such a damn stigma in this country regarding mental health and the validity of the diagnosis. I, for one, am a believer, and I know that you fight against this every single day, and since it’s a fight against your own BRAIN, it is 10 times harder than any other disease.
Have you ever considered getting into heavy volunteer work as a means of transitioning back into the workforce? Here’s why I ask: you sound like you really WANT to do work but are afraid of “fucking it up again,” and you also acknowledge that staying busy is better for you than sitting around with too much free time on your hands. A volunteer position would do a few things: keep you busy, restore some of those feelings of self-worth because you are contributing to the health of a vital organization, and 3) you’d be doing something really good for other people or the community you live in. These are all things that I can see being hugely beneficial to Karl. And perhaps, after a period of time being successful, you’ll feel confident enough to go back to work (if you want to — and if you don’t, hey, no sweat).
Hugs,
~Jessica
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I have the same, Bipolar, PTSD, depression, anorexia for fun. I have 2 daughters too. We were evicted from our apartment Jan 3rd. The 21st, my boyfriend’s family said enough is enough and ‘threw us out’ too. We lived in hotels for a month. The exhusband tried to take the girls away from me. I’ve done outpatient group therapy and am now doing 1-on-1 therapy.
It does me no good to tell you there nothing to be ashamed of, it’s a disease. But you will feel what you feel regardless of how we look at you. I just found you via twitter a couple of days ago. You can be sure I’ll continue to read here, and twitter.
Ms Batman’s last blog post..Me, only better
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Wow. I’m mightily impressed with your honesty. I’m pulling for you and wish I could help in some tangible way.
Suburban Turmoil’s last blog post..Consigning Women
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I can’t wait to meet you. You are one of my heroes, in case you didn’t know it. I have such a respect for someone who pushes themself to do the things that scare them the most. I’m pulling for you!!
metalmom’s last blog post..Where’s the Handbasket?
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Some refreshing honesty in that post I must say. No need to be ashamed at all. Miss Sizzle sends Guinness, I’ll add to the Stouty goodness by offering a couple of bottles of Murphy’s. My favorite tipple by far.
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The fact that you recognize the symptoms and are actively fighting against it is awesome in and of itself. Most people don’t realize that, but it is.
As for being “normal”… bah… that’s boring as all hell anyway. I say revel in the abnormalities. Lord knows I do.
NYCWD’s last blog post..I Prefer To Be A Cowboy
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First of all, it’s so awesome that you shared that. I know it’s not easy, but bravo.
Secondly, maybe this is the universe’s way of telling you maybe it’s time to give work a shot? If it doesn’t work out, no big – you quit and find another path. But what if it does work out?
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“I hate this about myself. It’s embarrassing as hell”
OK, stop.that.NOW! How can you say that with all the stuff going on in your life! You are here! You are a great guy! (and you KNOW I mean that from the bottom of my heart) and there’s not many people in your situation that can say that they are still standing after all that shit.
Oh, and I love you for who and what you are! There!
DutchBitch’s last blog post..Going Up, Going Down
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Holy crap…look at all these comments. Thanks to each and every one of you.
Zanthera – thank you.
TSM – Love the PNW, yeah. We’ll see. I have a few things on my travel agenda right now. Tequilacon, Dallas, and BlogHer (I hope).
Iron Fist – sorry, no penis showings today.
James – Yeah, I do miss the openness of some of my older blogs at Blurty and LJ. Definitely glad I spent some time there, since I met you and Hilly in the process.
Kyra – thanks, I may take you up on that.
Miss Anne – I’ve stopped a few blogs in my day, too. They’re still out there…somewhere. I’m not shutting this one down, though. I refuse.
Nat – thanks, you’re a sweetie.
Tori – aw, don’t make me blush. OK, do.
Mattie – It wasn’t incredibly difficult to keep the secret most of the time, actually. I just refrained from disclosing too much personal stuff here. Some people know. Hilly knew, of course, but she’s my best friend. Still, yeah, it is kind of a relief.
Britt – Yeah, you’re married…dammit!
Jessica – Actually, it’s not so much the stigma of mental illness that makes me ashamed. It’s not working. I can deal with the mental diagnoses just fine. I’ve lived with them for quite a long time now. I look at a lot of that as the same as my diabetes…they all require treatment. Not working, though. Blah. And yeah, I’ve considered volunteering. Need to look into that again.
Ms Batman – the hottest name anywhere, I think. Thanks.
Suburban Turmoil – thanks, Lindsay.
Metal Mom – I’m your hero? Wow, that’s kind of weird. ha.
Kevin – Murphy’s is good stuff, too.
NYCWD – I agree. “Normal” is so overrated.
Carly – perhaps you’re right. I’m definitely looking around for more writing gigs.
Dutchy – thanks, babe. It’s hard to rewrite all my mental programming, that’s for sure.
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I think you already knew I was in love in with you Karl. Maybe I didn’t say it, but I show up here every day and I read your tweets… in my world, where time is at a premium, that means I loves ya.
When you say this: “I live in a rather small town. I know very few people. I don’t get out very much. This may be sad, but it’s a fact. The bulk of my friendships are online.” I can honestly reply with, “Me. Too.” And I’ve never been diagnosed as depressed or anything. Have been diagnosed with PTSD, but it rarely rears its head anymore. Yet, even though I have no disease, I’m still like you in this sense, so I doubt it’s symptomatic of your illness. If that makes sense.
Normal is… nothing anymore. An outdated, outmoded term that means absolutely nothing. Everyone’s normal is different. I think the thing that’s key is are you happy? Are you content? Can you function? Do you see the boogeyman? (No, not Fab or Avitable, the real boogeyman. HEH) Sometimes I think we are all too much inside our heads, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, it’s better just to skate along doing whatever.
I’m frankly envious. I wish I didn’t have to come to work every day. I would write my ASS off. Work is stressful. REALLY stressful. It’s all those other people that get to me. The work itself is okay. People aren’t.
Just be you, Karl. That RAWKS.
Winter’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen the Eleventh – Disposing of the Remains
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Having experienced some time out of work (you can see some of my scattered older blog entries out on Chillywilly.org, I understand some of what you are going through. And it helps that I’ve been let go from several jobs over the course of my career.
Of course, I’m not such a quiet person and speak my mind more than I should sometimes, which doesn’t sit too well with upper management.
Hang in there and keep writing. Those of us that read them are enjoying them.
martymankins’s last blog post..Daily Supplements
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For a while you were only posting the column from the newspaper and I really missed your other posts in my feed reader. I’m glad you are intending to stay out here.
You’re brave Karl, kudos!
PocketCT’s last blog post..TequilaCon
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You know I’ve always loved ya Karl and I’m so proud of you for getting this out in the open…no need to feel anything but relief. This has been a big week and it can only get better from here. You have lots of people supporting you from all over this world.
Foo’s last blog post..Uh yah so…
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As one of your fellow benchwarmers on Team Depression I salute you. I don’t often out myself but since you did, what the hell. I couldn’t get disability, even when I was deemed 80% disabled, because I function well, when highly medicated.
But I understand the tape recorder messages, playing in the brain, that often tell us we’re not worth the air we’re breathing.
Spring is always a bad time for me. I’m taking the rest of the month off work and doing a FL to MA road trip with my brother, who is also on Team Depression. We’re taking our Mom, just for shits and giggles!
I’ll join you in raising a glass. Cheers.
Little Miss Sunshine State’s last blog post..Crazy Cakes!
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I’m too lazy to read through all those comments. Forgive me?
What I have to say is about me anyway. Well, and you. You know that I have had my share of depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts, so why would I condemn or think someone else who had theme was weird. That would make me weird.
What? You didn’t say anything about suicidal thoughts? Er, then neither did I.
I love you for being real. You know where to find me if you need an ear to talk to.
Shelli’s last blog post..News At 11
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Winter – yeah, you know I said those same things. I’ll write my ass off, utilize my time wisely, etc. Hasn’t worked out that way. Careful what you wish for.
Marty – appreciate that, thanks.
Pocket CT – thanks, yeah, it’s good to be back again.
Foo – you’re right, lots of folks.
Little Miss Sunshine State – good for you, have a great trip.
Shelli – I do, yeah, thanks.
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Very gutsy post Karl. I am wishing the best for you.
John’s last blog post..After The Carnival Ride
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When it comes to mental illness you are talking to the queen!
You did good, getting the “secret” out there, I am proud of you.
oh and don’t drink..it will mess with your meds;)
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John – thanks very much.
Sandi – So YOU’RE the queen. Wow, do I ever have some bones to pick with you! Thanks. And if I don’t drink what AM I supposed to do?
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We are our own worst critics, that’s for sure. I do the same thing myself about different aspects of myself. Sometimes, I see in someone else’s eyes, my good side, what good they see in me. Then, I realize, I’m not doing so bad. I think it’s the same for you. Look at all the blogger friends out there that care about you. They see the good in you. The funny, quirky, nice guy. Yeah, you are struggling with some problems and that is just life. I’m sorry to hear the depths to which you have to deal with your depression and the bi-polar and wanting to seclude yourself. I’m glad you keep on blogging because I really enjoy your writing style and the funny things you say and just you Karl. I wish you well Karl and hope you have alot of fun at the Tequila con. I’m not big blogger but I actually thought of going to the one last year as Portland wasn’t far away from me. Maybe some day, just too busy these days.
Patty’s last blog post..Trying to destress
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We all have our skeletons. Good for you throwing that out there! You’re a good man, Karl!! Don’t you forget it.
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Patty – thank you. Tequilacon is going to be great. Too bad you can’t be there this year.
Lisa – thanks!
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i wish i could find a way to be as honest as you. i’ve hardly blogged at all lately–there’s just too much to say, and i have no idea how to get it all out. but, this post? it’s really…inspiring. maybe that seems weird.
anyway, thanks for letting it out.
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Supertiff – I’m just finding that the longer I maintain this blog the more of me there is that wants to slip in there somewhere. It’s more about not wanting to keep secrets than it is about bravery.
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Pfft. Had a great career in TV news, blew it off. Great job working for Bill Gates, blew it off. Made a ton o’ money sucking at the Microsoft teat, blew it off. Now unemployed & working on homeless. I gotcher self-destructive right here, Pal.
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Rick – hey there, guy! I wish I’d made a ton of money from Microsoft before getting to full-blown unemployment status.
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