If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. That's what all the cool kids do. Thanks for visiting!

Don’t forget, SecondHand Radio is on today at 5pm Eastern time. Then it’s the Big Honkin’ Duets Show II on Pointless Drivel Live, and yes, I will be performing a song with Mr. Fabulous. Be there or be a rhomboid.

This is a post meant for the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign 2008, to generate donations for The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). You can visit the GBBMC page for all the information you need about RAINN and the campaign. More links available at the end of the post.

Another childhood story. This time I’d like to talk about my early days with pornography. Still living on Kay Road, I was probably six or seven years old. And we had this neighborhood kid that was a bit older than me…probably 10 or 11. Sometimes we’d just go traipsing around in The Woods, a huge area of land filled with trees. We’d wander around for hours at a time, sometimes coming out on the other side of The Woods at the Motel down the road.

Well, Johnny (the older kid) somehow got a hold of some girly magazines and hid them out in The Woods. He told us kids that he had something to show us. So we all walk around this meandering path, scuffling up the bed of leaves on the forest floor, until we came to The Tree that marked The Spot.

Johnny pushed a bunch of leaves aside next to the tree and there we saw the magazines. Three of them, all with beautiful women on the covers, one of them totally topless. My hand immediately went to cover my open mouth. “Ohhhhh my Gooooooood!” I said.

Naturally, that wasn’t enough. I had to see more. I opened up one of the magazines. Holy crap! That woman is totally NAKED. Like, all the way naked. She even had hair down THERE. It was short, closely cropped blonde hair. Down THERE.

I looked through all the magazines, feeling as if I’d come across some treasure. A dirty, dirty, secret treasure. Holy shit, how the hell does she get her legs over her head like that? And is that her kidney I can see through there?

The four of us ooh’d and ahh’d for at least half an hour. There were even some shots of women and men going at it, not that I understood what the hell they were doing. There the guy is, his enormous and stiff winky, pointing right at the woman’s dirty bits. Then he was actually putting it IN her dirty bit! Whoa! She looked like she was in agony, her face all contorted and writhing. Why was the guy so set on hurting her? She must have really been mean to him for a punishment like that.

We giggled and laughed and were simply mesmerized by the whole thing. Why the hell would people DO these things to each other? I didn’t get it, and I especially didn’t get why my own proud little winky was starting to feel all funny and hard.

We reburied the magazines when we were sufficiently confused and awed and left The Woods to go home. It was getting to be dinner time. I spent the next months revisiting those magazines in The Woods, wondering just what the poor woman had done to be tortured in that manner. And the guy looked so intense, like he was preparing for an assault with his G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip and Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man (with built-in bionic eye!). I mean, he was really thinking hard about something!

Months later, when Mom and Dad were both at work, and we had a babysitter who wasn’t paying attention to me AT ALL, I had Johnny and some of my other neighborhood friends over. I’d discovered my own little secret and had to show them.

See, Daddy had a HUGE collection of porn magazines. Enormous. I’m talking like 4 stacks of 30 magazines each, at least. He kept them on the top shelf in his closet. And you bet your sweet ass I was looking at them every single second I could.

We all go into my parents’ bedroom (I told you, babysitter not. paying. attention.) and close the door. They’re all like “What? What are we going to see? What’s so big about your parents’ room?”

So I turn around to face them, standing in front of my dad’s closet, and put my hands proudly on my hips, boldly declaring, “Gentlemen, we’ve HIT the motherload!” OK, no I didn’t. What I said was, “Wait until you see…THIS!” And with that, I slid open the closet door and pointed to the top shelf that I couldn’t reach unless I stood on a chair.

The magazines glowed with a golden light, illuminated by sunbeams coming through the parting clouds. The heavens parted, angels sang, devils weeped. Someone random somewhere in the world dropped dead instantly.

All five boys stood there with their mouths open and Johnny uttered a forbidden, “Holy shit!”

Damn right “Holy shit!”

One of the other boys said, “There must be 5,000 magazines in there!”

Johnny slapped him on the shoulder. “Idiot. There’s only 2,000 magazines.”

We all nodded in agreement. If anyone knew about porn magazine numbers, it was certainly Johnny.

Johnny grabbed a bunch of the mags and we all got on my parents’ bed to read through them. Yeah, right. Read. heh. The room was filled with gasps and sighs as pages flipped by. There were pictures of women naked. Pictures of women naked with other women, licking each other down THERE (which also looked very painful), pictures of men torturing women (sometimes multiple women). It was really a lot of very bad women, to be sure.

There was that familiar stirring in my pants when, suddenly, a car pulled up in the driveway!

My chest tightened and my balls got sucked up into my body cavity. “Holy smokes! It’s my Dad!”

We all shot up like lightning, each grabbing all the magazines. Johnny took them all and put them back onto the shelf, back onto the stacks. And then…my life flashed before my eyes as I watched all four stacks of porn magazines come crashing down onto the floor of the closet.

“Holy shit!” said Johnny, “We gotta go!”

Holy shit indeed! What the fuck was I to do? I saw Midnight, our black cat, right at my parents’ door. I reached down, grabbed her, threw her into the closet on top of the magazines, and slammed the closet door. Ran out to the hallway, closing the door behind me, and jetted my ass to the living room.

It wasn’t until 1995, at my sister’s wedding, that I told him it was me. Everyone cracked up over that.

“That really was brilliant of you,” said Dad. He was proud of me. Proud of me for looking at porn, I suppose.

Hey man, I don’t just sit around with my 178 I.Q. - I utilize that shit!

DONATE TO RAINN HERE. When you donate, please make sure you reference “GBBMC2008,” and include my name (Karl Erikson) and blog name (duh, SecondHand Tryptophan).

Contest Home | Sign Up | RAINN Donation Page | Participants
Prizes | Sponsors | Rules and Regulations

Shockinawe, Part DeuceFive Things I’ve Been Tagged to MemeMy First Vajynna Filed under 2HT Mentions, 2HT Radio, GBMMC2008, Humor |