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This is a post meant for the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign 2008, to generate donations for The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). You can visit the GBBMC page for all the information you need about RAINN and the campaign. More links available at the end of the post.
Who says that you don’t learn new things every day? Not I. Thanks to the GBBMC, I have discovered some new blogs, most notably Hootchi Cootchi, who has turned me on to the most marvelous new thing.
Vulva, so they say, is the erotic, intimate scent of a woman in a bottle. Yes, that’s right, for guys like me that aren’t getting nearly enough action, now we can open a bottle of Vulva and get a good whiff of “the precious, vaginal odor.” I think this totally rocks.
Should I mention at this point that the above site is Not Safe For Work? I’d hope that was obvious, but you never know. Oh, believe me, you WANT to go look at this site. It has VIDEO! I’m all over this shit.
I can see all sorts of practical applications for this. First off, I’ll run with the theory that pussy attracts more pussy. I’ll spray it all over myself and wait for the vulvas to gather round and rub themselves all over me. Perhaps I’ll wander through our local mall and, by the time I exit just off the Food Court, I’ll have pussy galore, women just pawing at me, wanting to spread their scent all over my body!
Then there’s coming home from a hard day at work to the intoxicating scent of Vulva. Feel all those stressful elements just melt away, thanks to the lovely aroma of vagina. It’s like Calgon, but with more hoobastank.
All this for only 20 euros. I don’t even know what the symbol is for Euros since they’re rather insignificant to me. But there’s probably a conversion rate that makes it cost $280, since the dollar is doing so well lately.
I’m seriously thinking of buying some of this Vulva. I love the idea that I can buy Vulva legally, even here in the United States. And with as much action as I’m seeing of late, it’s probably as close as I’m going to get to a woman’s vulva for the foreseeable future.
In fact, I’ve decided that this is such a brilliant idea, I’m going to start bottling my own erotic fragrances and call it “Phallus.”
There will be more than one Phallus, of course. There’s Phallus: Clean, the freshly showered scent of my penis.
Then, for all you filthy women out there who like it down and dirty, I’ve also got Phallus: Slut, which is all the luscious sexual juices that gather on my crotch after a good hard shag.
And Phallus: Dirty, which will be the aromatic fragrance of smegma and sweat off of my balls after a good week with no shower.
Tell me you’re not all hot and bothered right now. Tell me you don’t want to bury your face in my crotch and just inhale my intriguing scent.
I’ve already got the photos ready, now I just need to get into the lab and start work on those luscious smells. And hey, if you feel like showing me your vulva, that’d really help move things along.
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119 Responses to “Now Get Women’s Erotic Juices in a Bottle”
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Oh. Wow. Um….
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Things I Should Feel More Grateful Than Guilty About
Okay, you have sandals on dude! I *just* noticed that. Ha ha…
I had heard of Vulva (the scent thing) before…totally weird I think. But sweaty balls juice in a bottle…now there’s something equally grody.
You really do have balls for posting this. Mah God.
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Things I Should Feel More Grateful Than Guilty About
Dude. Dude!
The best part about this post was reading it while on the phone with you and you knowing when I got to your wangage as I nearly choked with laughter.
Dude.
Hilly’s last blog post..This Is How I Remind Me Of What I Really Am…
Hilly choked on your wangage? ROFL!
I’m calling my own brand Funkjuice.
What happens if you mix Phallus with Vulva? Does it explode or what?
Oh my god. This is one of the most disturbing posts ever on the internet. And yet, suddenly I want both vuvla and phallus. I’m so confused.
Can I get on the pre-order list for Phallus, Slut? Seems like the way to go.
Hilly - I have to agree with Karen here. Choking on my wangage…I can die a happy man now.
James - That has a nice ring to it.
Dave - I wouldn’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve had my Phallus around any Vulva.
Lady Jaye - Sure, I’ll get you on the list.
I said ONE of the most disturbing - but also exciting too.
Oh, Karl. You have no idea what the sight of your Phallus does to me. Let alone your naked Birkenstocks.
BALLS. OF. STEEL.
Hey, that picture looks AWESOME tiled all over my desktop!!! You should make it your new Twitter background. Wait …
DAMN IT!!! Bret just took a hammer to my monitor screen. Shit.
Dying over here.
DYING.
P.S. PLEASE tell me your mom didn’t take that photo.
I still swear that I can see dong or sack or something!
Wowwie! This was the first blog I’ve read of yours and I have to say, I’m rolling on the floor here. I wonder just HOW they get that smell in that bottle. Hmmm….
Oh god. I’m totally with SJ on that one. Please tell me that was a tripod.
And, I’m talking about the CAMERA, Karl.
I can just see it now:
*sniff* *sniff* Dude! I think your bottle of Vulva has turned.
I am so grossed out by the thought. Yet, I’m intrigued by the idea of bottling tuna juice and calling it “Skank.”
Winter - I kinda knew you’d be looking for the shoes.
SJ - let this be a lesson to women everywhere. Do know show your husband my photo in this post, UNLESS you remove all hammers from the vicinity. And you don’t mind him turning gay.
Adena - do you need CPR?
Hilly - fantasies are always hard to shake.
RxVenomQueen - well, you picked a hell of a day to pop by for a visit.
Jester - if they can sell Vulva, there’s certainly room for Skank.
AND YES, that was with a tripod. Hi, Mom!
Hilly, it’s his DICK. And if it isn’t, nobody tell me, k?
You get naked for $1.25?
Somewhere, strippers everywhere are rolling on their catwalks.
Dan was hot for the vulva and then I scrolled, wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him run so fast. Dude, insane.
That’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. And one of the hottest.
Hilly, you can totally see something extra on the right side,
OOOOOOOOO
MMMMMMMMM
GGGGGGGGG
Karl!
You INSANE bitch! And that’s one BIG bottle you have there! If its marketed, I want me summathat!
Oh. My. God!
I was dying laughing readng this and then as I scrolled to the final pic I totally lost it! Damn near ruined a perfectly good laptop!
Bloody hysterical - seriously!
Here I was thinking I wanted Phallus: Slut and then the picture just totally caught me off guard and I nearly choked on my own spit. My husband, laying next to me sleeping didn’t wake up when I laughed out loud. Of course, he’s drunk, so…
I’ll still take Phallus: Slut. Does it come with photos? Video?
I’m with Hilly here, there is a little sumpin sumpin going on there. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and go with I’m sure his junk is so massive that even that monstrosity of a bottle obviously couldn’t hide it all.
Karl, I do believe you have been taking blogging lessons from Adam. (or did you teach him?) Either way, you’ve got balls. Obviously.
Oh, Jesus. I can’t type… laughing… snorting… blind!
Thanks for the laugh!
That’s a mighty big bottle you’ve got there…
Karl! This post is not safe for work!!! LMAO!!
Wonder how old PUssy Galore would be now?
From Bret:
If you weren’t fired from the paper before, YOU ARE NOW.
i think smegma might just be my all-time favorite word.
just saying.
also..the sandals! the sandals! hahahahaha.
OMG
ROLLING
LOL
And yeah there is some junk hanging out dude
omg–wiping tears
Amanda - again with the imagining of the naughty bits. You women only have one thing on your mind.
Dutchy - You’re welcome to some of my juices any time you want.
Penelope - I’d hate to see a good laptop ruined because of me, that’s for sure.
Shelli - I could totally see you with Phallus: Slut, you dirty girl you.
Becky - It’s true, my junk is pretty phenomenal.
Coal Miner’s - glad you approve. Can I count on your order?
Shiny - why, thank you!
Nat - good point, folks, this post is probably NSFW. Just thought you should know. Good thing it’s Saturday, yeah?
Bret: You’re right about that, sir!
Ali - all women say that until they look it up in the dictionary.
The Senior Citizen part of my brain says it’s disgusting, horrible, depraved and just plain wrong.
The Beavis and Butthead part of my brain says heh,heh, he said pussy, heh, heh, he’s naked.
They’ll be discussing it for the rest of the day.
Wow. I can’t believe what I just saw. I feel so dirty.
You had me til the Birkenstocks, baby.
Nice birkenstocks.
OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!
I TOTALLY can’t believe you posted that!!!
{blink blink}
Dude…you are off the hook. Haha.
Have you seen the movie Perfume? I wonder what the crowd scene would be like if it was your bottle that was opened. Just rent it you’ll see what I mean - plus it may give you some insight into how to make the stuff.
This really is quite far from hiding away. Good for you.
That was brilliant. BRILLIANT!
It totally caught me off guard, too. I have tears in my eyes.
I’m never going to come to your place and sit on your couch, though. There’s butt juice all over that top cushion now!
Oh, and you’ve totally raised the bar on posts. This will be an escalating war where nobody will win.
Yes, you DO have balls for posting this! I can see a little bit of them…riiighhtt…THERE!
Seriously fantastic post, Karl! I’m going to shower now. I feel dirty. But I love it!
Hahaha, great…Avi just reminded me of your juices all over the couch.
But this is one war where I will not take part. Nobody wants to see my sweet perfume shot.
Woops forgot to subscribe, twice now!
Um………….yeah.
I’d tiipe mor but my fingrz are crmped.i used this pictrure for hours….
Oh, sweet Karl!
Actually, to the comment Avi made about nobody winning in the escalating war in the posts… I believe us ladies will all be winning at this rate.
Karl, you have all the courage I lack.
AWESOME. great interpretation
You know…I was tempted to go nude after Adam’s letter to his body. Then I was further tempted by your naked video. Now I am tempted even more.
I’ll need to think of a way to top all those though. I don’t know if I can.
I fear my best grandstanding days may be behind me.
I see penis. Or squished sack. One of the two.
And it has made me forget every squished sack I’ve ever seen before now.
You need a bigger bottle. ha! So wasn’t expecting the photo of you and had to laugh. Where do you come up with this stuff?
Note to self….put on a “Depends” before reading your blog. I don’t stop in nearly as often as I should….yet when I do I piss my panties!!
With a sense of humor like that you should have the girls falling at your feet!
The URL for Vulva is just perfect.
I’m not sure about your pussy attracting pussy theory though. Remember, Vulva is not a perfume. Out in the world, it’d probably seem like you were taken.
Little Miss Sunshine - always, always listen to the Beavis and Butthead side of the brain.
Stacey - Is that because you’re all hot and turned on now?
Suebob - I could have worn my other sandals but I wanted to make sure they stood out.
Jan - thanks! Aren’t you happy you’ll be sleeping with me in Philadelphia?
Lisa - I think Phallus is long overdue.
John - thanks, man.
PocketCT - never seen Perfume. I’ll have to check it out.
Avitable - Ha, thanks. I’m running out of ways to be naked. I’d like to see this escalate into a naked war with the women, though, really.
TSM - You dirty, dirty girl.
Hilly - You want to sniff my couch cushions now, don’t you?
MetalMom - for hours? Wow, more power to you!
Kyra - thanks.
Wetdove - ha, thanks very much. I’m very glad I saw your post the other day. I was inspired.
Fab - That’s totally why I did this, so I could see you naked.
Miss Britt - I can just see you there, blowing up the photo in Photoshop, studying my crotch.
Patty - It’s all in my warped little head. The big head, too.
Rachel - You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
Claire - Yeah, the URL, brilliant marketing. Good point, from now on I’ll stick to wearing Phallus: Clean.
I’ve come like three times to make this comment, and keep getting distracted.
That Vulva stuff has got to be full of pheremones. Female pheremones attract MEN, not other women. I think they make other women pissy. So don’t wear it around females. Especially not your mom - she might ground you.
Damn it! I meant to say I’ve come HERE! Sheesh.
What, are you dense? LOL
Technically, I guess I asked for this. I mean, I DID say repeatedly that you need more nudity on your site.
You are rad. I’m so glad you left a comment on Hootchi Cootchi to lead me back here, to get me to this day, to see this picture. You’re doing the lord’s work. Thanks.
(ps. Jezebel did a field test with the Vulva scent back in the day, it’s pretty funny.)
Secondlastwish - Thanks! It’s so tempting to try and order some Vulva.
If you lived in NYC my life would be perfect!
i cannot remember the last time i laughed this hard.
also: “i’m seriously thinking of buying some of this Vulva.”
this might be the best sentence EVER WRITTEN.
Supertiff - Glad you got some laughs out of it, though I still fail to see the comedy of that post.
The woman on the VULVA site? Her breasts are annoyingly perfect!
But obviously her body has got nothing on you!
And yes, I agree with everyone else - you need a much bigger bottle!
Beer keg. That’s the idea.
Dawg just made me come read this post.
He’s in so much trouble now.
Karl, if you don’t win the fundraiser grand prize based on this post alone, I will be shocked. Shocked!
Frigging brilliant.
Carly - thanks. I know! I wish I could see the tallies.
[...] 2. Many of you don't read Karl, but you are totally missing out. Here's why. [...]
No comment.
Why is it that when I decide that I must leave comments on the blogs that I visit, something like this comes up?
Hi, my name is Mary. Nice to meet you.
Mary - Hi Mary!
oh my! I think my circuits overloaded.
If the perfume phallus comes in a beer bottle when that get a bit confusing?
Freelance Guru - thanks for stopping by. And it might be a bit confusing, but think of the glorious possibilities!
lmao..this reminds me of that old Stephen Wright line about a good name for a feminine hygiene spray that nobody would ever forget the name of: “Sprunt”.
That is quite funny.
Remind me not to sit on your couch if we ever meet.
Oh my. Thanks for making me smile this early in the morning!
Great post!
Fucking hell - I was not expecting that last shot. I love the nudity accompanied by Birkenstocks. Very hippie European.
Mike - What, you’ve got something against my couch?
Sandi - Thanks for dropping by! Glad I started some smiles this early in the day.
Maria - Ha, snuck up on you, eh?
I don’t have anything against you couch, but you do.
That should be “your” couch. Darn.
Dude, you’ve got balls the size of my balls.
Awesome.
Holy mother of. . .
New heights, Karl. NEW heights!
Um..well…Oh my. DUDE.
Sizzle - why, thank you!
Tracy Lynn - So you’re totally wanting some of my Phallus, aren’t you?
This is one way to get a huge leap in comments. I’m thinking I need to post some nipple shots or something.
Seriously though, the comments are hilarious!
First time that attempting to lick an arm pit looked sexy!
I came here expecting cartoons.
I got so, sooo much more.
Also, I can so see your junk.
Thank you.
i seriously think i love you. that was magnificent.
Queen Lynn - You know it!
Sybil Law - Thank YOU.
Hello Haha Narf - Yeah, if you didn’t love me before, now is the time.
Your level of, er, daring has certainly increased since your firing, hasn’t it?
I donated. I felt I had to after you got naked for me and all.
PS: Whatever happened to good old fashioned panty sniffing? Everything is so complicated these days.
(whit sent me here.)
LOL! this is one of the BEST posts i’ve seen on the Internets EVER!
i had to donate . . .
[...] Discussed: Fab’s Radio Show where he hummed The Beatles song while a political debate raged. Karl’s very funny post. The very first post Britt commented on here at Jestertunes: November [...]
OMG - that’s just got me giggling for 5 minutes non-stop, man! Fucking hilarious.
First time visitor, sent over from Avitable’s site…
I think I just heard the thunder crash and the lightning sizzle.
Happens every time I meet a fellow perv blogger!
Yay!
Not getting any action? That’s a shame… really. I can send you a bag of tootsie rolls for your Uncle Perv Pocket, if it gets too dire, haha :P. (Kidding…!)
Thanks for the laughs with the post. Great job!
OMFG, Karl! I am at a loss for words…
Amie - Well, there’s a switch!
Thank you Karl, that woke me up in the best way.
I will gladly donate (money, I mean).
Um, I take back the comment I left just a second ago.
That was more Karl than I was ready for.
*rubbing eyes*
[...] as well as a good excuse for turning the heat up on some of our blogs and having a good laugh (and future Christmas present ideas ) it has also been to bring the quite serious, and sometimes overlooked subject of Sexual Assault [...]
I can’t believe I missed this one. Where the hell was I? I’m not sure what to say except that it’s probably a good thing you don’t have a roommate.
[...] you know the naked nude stuff. Seriously, OMFG I was on the phone with him when his Vulva/Phallus post went live and he and I pretty much laughed and snorted until we could not breathe. I think he was [...]
Dude.
This is all kinds of awesome.