Much Bigger Picture
Welcome to everyone who got here because of the TWO Perfect Post Awards I was given for this post. Many thanks to Shelli and Miss Britt for awarding these to me. I never expected such a response for this post, but I’m glad it stirred up a lot of people. It’s all about awareness as far as I’m concerned.
Thanks so much for coming by! - Karl
This is a post meant for the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign 2008, to generate donations for The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). You can visit the GBBMC page for all the information you need about RAINN and the campaign. More links available at the end of the post. Please donate!
I know I promised that my next RAINN story would be about the time I lost my virginity, but that’ll have to wait until next time. With little more than a week left in the GBBMC campaign, I wanted to talk seriously about RAINN and its importance.
That’s right, no jokes today. I’ll bring back the funny later.
Let’s start with some rather alarming statistics.
And by the way, though many of these statistics were gathered using America as the metric, that isn’t to minimize sexual assaults around the world. It’s just that RAINN is based in America.
Did you know that every two minutes another American is sexually assaulted? EVERY TWO MINUTES. Almost half of those people are under the age of 18. Over 80% of all sexual assault victims are under the age of 30.
One out of every six women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. For men, that’s 1 out of every 33.
60% of all sexual assaults are never reported to the police.
That hasn’t freaked you out yet? How about these stats regarding children?
15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.
- 29% are age 12-17.
- 44% are under age 18.
- 80% are under age 30.
- 12-34 are the highest risk years.
- Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.
- 7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.
- 3% of boys grades 5-8 and 5% of boys in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.
In 1995, local child protection service agencies identified 126,000 children who were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse.
- Of these, 75% were girls.
- Nearly 30% of child victims were between the age of 4 and 7.
93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.
- 34.2% of attackers were family members.
- 58.7% were acquaintances.
- Only 7% of the perpetrators were strangers to the victim.
You can find all of these and more troubling numbers at the RAINN site. It doesn’t take any digging, they’re all there for you to see.
I understand that the stats are overwhelming. So skip the numbers if you must, but read on.
When I saw Charlie Daniels the other night, one of the things he said that got huge applause (including from me) was that there is NEVER an excuse for sexual abuse on anyone, especially children. And while I personally do not believe in the death penalty (that’s a subject for a different day), I admit that hearing Charlie say abusers should hang from a short rope off a high branch sounded pretty fucking good.
Perhaps you’re fortunate enough to have never experienced sexual abuse or rape in your life. I guarantee, however, that you know someone who has been a victim. Trust me, even if you think you don’t, you do. Like depression, you can’t recognize a sexual assault victim by sight. Cannot be done.
And those victims you know (and honestly, I hate the word “victim” but I’ll use it here in this context because it applies) are very likely never to speak of the atrocities done to them. You’ll probably never hear them speak about it, even if you happen to be their closest friend. Why?
Because there is an unwritten law that says victims of sexual abuse do NOT TALK. Compare it to Fight Club if you will. It’s just not something you do, talking about abuse. It doesn’t even have to be explicitly stated by the abuser, either. It’s implied. And it’s FOLLOWED, no matter what age you are.
This is why organizations like RAINN are crucial to people everywhere. They have a 24-hour hotline and they’ve taken great pains to make sure every call, every visit to their site, remains anonymous. They don’t collect IP addresses, don’t trace any phone lines, don’t even have Caller ID. Because, believe me, if any of those measures were used, the calls would dry up in a heartbeat.
The phone number is 800-656-HOPE. If you have been raped or sexually assaulted in any capacity, I hope you’ll write that number down and use it. And if you know of a child being abused, God forbid, I hope you’ll call the authorities. Not tomorrow. NOW.
I happen to know quite a bit about this topic, though the statistics still shock me (and that’s not easy to do these days). And I know that many of you donate money to a number of charitable organizations and worthy individuals. Granted, I can’t always give. I’ve told you why…I’m on a very limited monthly income. But I still give $5 here and $20 there when I can, whether it’s to the Red Cross or friends of mine or RAINN.
I’m asking you personally if you have anything to give - anything - to please consider making a donation to this amazing organization. They are networked in with many abuse shelters around the country. And if you’re outside the States, that’s cool, too. I hope you’ll consider giving to a similar organization in your country or town.
For those of you that may still be wondering if you actually know anyone who is a victim of sexual abuse…
You’re looking at a survivor of sexual abuse right here.
I’m not admitting this for pity. And please don’t ask me any further questions about my own experiences. What I say here is all I’m willing to say.
I do this to prove a point. You really never know who is a survivor. That’s the word I prefer to use, by the way, survivor. I WAS a victim, as is any child who is violated so cruelly and irrevocably. Yeah, I’m one of those 15% mentioned above.
Now I’m a survivor.
This shit affects me every single day. And I guaranfuckingtee you it affects people that YOU know, too. If you’re not a survivor, then you know some. Really, one out of every six women. Millions and millions of women. 2.7 MILLION men (yes, this is not a gender-specific issue). Millions of children.
It’s weird. It boils my fucking blood when I think of someone else being abused. But when I think about my own stories? I barely feel a damn thing. I’m still working on that, it’s a lifelong struggle. It’s also rather common as a survivor to shut your emotions down so you don’t feel ANYTHING. It’s a safety mechanism.
I’ve heard the word “resilient” used by many therapists over the years, used to describe me. ME. I hate that fucking word, too. Resilient just means you can take a lot of shit and not die. I’ve often wished I were dead. Hell, I tried to do something about it 13 years ago. To just cease existing, to not feel any pain any more? It can be very alluring to survivors.
I won’t ever act on those impulses again.
I talk about this because of the much bigger picture. And because I know for a fact (just based on the numbers) that there are at least a handful of you reading this right now that are survivors. And if you’ve never asked anyone for help, if you’ve never raised your hand to admit these horrors out loud - not to ANYONE, EVER - I hope you’ll do so now.
There IS hope. There IS help.
Most importantly, you are NOT alone. You’re NOT the only one, as much as a freak you might feel like. That’s the abuse talking, trying to make you stay silent.
It doesn’t have to win.
DONATE TO RAINN HERE. When you donate, please make sure you reference “GBBMC2008,” and include my name (Karl Erikson) and blog name (SecondHand Tryptophan).
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68 Responses to “Much Bigger Picture”
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Kudos. Thanks for saying what needed to be said. You’re certainly not the only survivor out there — and I believe it’s important for people to overcome the stigma associated with such abuse and trauma. Statistics in this arena are often underreported (especially by men) who may feel that surviving sexual assault carries a negative label.
You’re not alone. I know you already said it, but it deserves to be repeated.
Thanks again.
Remember too that the statistics for the young children are actually lower than the reality. 90% of my female friends are survivors of sexual abuse from one or more parties from their young childhood.
These are just the reported incidents, or children willing to talk. The reality is that it is much higher than 1 in 6.
Great words, Karl. And people really need to be aware of this and not treat this as something that happens to others. At some point, the others could be someone you already know.
This post means so much to so many. Thank you for your courageous candor.
Thank you for sharing. I can’t say it any better than Sizzle..
For once I’m speechless, and that happens very rarely!
Thank you for sharing this Karl :o)
I thought you were brave for the phallus post. Little did I know. You’re a phenomenal person, Karl.
From survivor to another…Thank you for sharing a little of your story….
Once again Karl, very very brave.
The statistics are shocking. I have a weight loss email support group comprised of 15 women. We range in age from 24 to 55. We are spread out across the country.
12 have been raped.
I need to go to work, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you had to endure something this awful. I will write you more later.
This is the best column you’ve ever published, Karl.
Thank you for saying the things that some of us are too afraid to say ourselves. It’s good to know that none of us are truly alone.
I love you.
Karl, you continue to amaze and inspire me.
I might just be ready to tell my own story. Maybe.
Absurdist - great point. These are only the REPORTED statistics.
Martymankins - indeed. That’s really the part I want people to understand. If it’s not something that’s happened to you, it DEFINITELY has happened to people you know.
Sizzle, Kim, Penelope, Winter - thanks.
Cissa - you’re welcome.
Jessica - Wow, that’s something else. It’s scary how prevalent this “secret” really is.
Gina - I’m sorry this is something that happens EVER.
SJ - thanks.
Lady Jaye - Most survivors are afraid to even think about it, let alone allow it to pass their lips.
Hilly - love you, too.
Miss Britt - Thanks. I’m really hoping that this reaches at least one person that needs to hear it. That and benefitting RAINN would make it totally worth it.
You are so brave. I appreciate you sharing this and posting about this. I always thought you were an amazing person, and my respect for you grows and grows every time you share these personal things.
“Resilient just means you can take a lot of shit and not die.”
Thank you. My thoughts exactly. *Hug*
Jan - Yep, not one of my favorite words.
No pity. Thanks and congratulations. Hopefully you have made others feel not alone and given them the courage to realise they are surviving too.
I’m a survivor, too.
I mentioned it in my post 100 Things Part Deux on Monday. I was molested by a male babysitter from the time I was about 7 years old until I was 9-ish. I think about it. I know it made me, at least in part, who I am. I talk about it in therapy. Monday was the ONLY time I have ever talked about it on my blog. It felt like a step I needed to take for some weird reason.
Thanks for talking about this. Thanks for doing this RAINN thing. You RAWK! Can’t wait to hug you in about a week and a half.
If you want a hug, that is.
Thank you.
Great post.
Shelli - of course I’ll take a hug! You rock, too.
Stacey - You’re welcome.
Sandi - Thank you.
It’s people like you Karl, that remind me that I’m not alone either. That itself, is uplifting. This blog was a real eye opener. Sure, we all know it happens, but the statistics are alarming!
Thank you, Karl!
“Resilient just means you can take a lot of shit and not die.”
Yes, but it also implies strength and flexibility, and I think you’re both of those, too.
Otherwise, brilliant post. Well written.
I think anyone who fucks with kids should be killed. I have no mercy for those people. I joke about the govt. starting a sniper program so I can join and pop them off at random. Seriously, I’d join! I know they have parents, etc; but aren’t those possibly the same people who screwed them up?
I don’t know - this subject gets me really riled up!
Sorry….
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing and thank you for caring so much about this. You are 100% percent when you mention that we all know someone that has been violated. I have many whom I love deerly that are survivors and we will all be supporting this cause.
Mindy - Yeah, it’s scary how common this is. Thanks for reading and taking part.
I came over here from Miss Britt to say thank you for being so brave. I think you made a great point when you compared it to depression and that it isnt something you can tell by site. I have been very lucky to have personally escaped any kind of abuse, but I have several wonderful friends who were not so lucky. And the only reason they share their stories is because people like you have made them feel safe to do so.
Thank you for that post. I am a survivor and I applaud you for coming forward.
I came over from Britt’s today; far too many men would be loathe to admit to being victimized, even as a child. I applaud your bravery and thank you for sharing your story for the greater good.
I hope it helps to continue your healing.
Geekgrl - Applause right back atcha.
Finn - Precisely why I shared that with everyone. I think men have a particularly difficult time talking about these things. We’re supposed to be “strong” and invulnerable. Yeah, right.
This is my first time visiting your blog but what a powerful post and informative as well. It takes a strong person to open but about certain topics and I can see from this post you’re one of those people.
I thought I commented on this yesterday, but I must have been high on crack and meth.
You continue to impress me, and I think it’s great that you’re willing to put yourself out there like this.
Thank you so much for this.
I’ll never forget the conversation I had with someone once, where she was stunned that I knew at least 2 women for certain who had been raped, and a couple more who had at least been violated in a less strict (but equally relevant) sense. She said she didn’t know anyone who had been sexually abused and I said, yes, you do, she just hasn’t told you.
Thank you so much for this.
I’ll never forget the conversation I had with someone once, where she was stunned that I knew at least 2 women for certain who had been raped, and a couple more who had at least been violated in a less strict (but equally relevant) sense. She said she didn’t know anyone who had been sexually abused and I said, yes, I’m sure you do, you just don’t know it.
Wow; that post was pretty awesome and courageous. Too many of us are too afraid to speak out. Thank you.
Wafelenbak - Exactly right.
Jennifer - you’re welcome. Thanks for saying so.
I don’t mind downer posts. It’s overly negative, hateful people who write downer posts that I don’t like.
A very honorable thing to do. Thank you for writing that. I chose a good time to get back into reading the blogs. Thank you.
Buddysnuddys - Thanks, Emily. Much appreciated.
I’ve read several GBBMC posts that have caused me to get upset and angry.
A couple made me feel funny about my GBBMC posts being of the lighter variety.
Thank you for this.
Flutter - you’re welcome. Thanks for reading.
Thank you for speaking up. More of us should.
Karl, I found my way to this post by accident and just wanted to commend you on bringing awareness and sharing your own pain. I am also a survivor of sexual abuse as a child and, sadly, in South Africa, the statistics for abuse are far higher than most places in the world. Babies as young as six months are gang raped by men (and I use that word very loosely)who believe that this will cure them of AIDS. A day doesn’t go by that there isn’t some horror story in the newspaper, jsut last week a three year old girl died of the injuries she sustained from having been raped by two men a week previously - and we know about these horrors because it was not possible to hide the injuries. What about the millions of children that we don’t know about? It is up to us, the adult survivors, to make a stand and do what we can, because we are the only ones who can break the silence and make the world see what is happening. Thank you.
i also have my own ugly story from when i was younger …one i usually prefer not to talk about. although survivor is not a word i associate with my situation, with my experiences. honestly, it is something i try not to think about too often.
karl, there is no way to properly express the light bulb that went off when i read “It’s weird. It boils my fucking blood when I think of someone else being abused. But when I think about my own stories? I barely feel a damn thing. I’m still working on that, it’s a lifelong struggle. It’s also rather common as a survivor to shut your emotions down so you don’t feel ANYTHING. It’s a safety mechanism.”
i could have written that paragraph. except i always thought it was a flaw with me that i get more enraged about someone else’s violations than i would at my own. never considered it a safety mechanism.
thank you for writing this post.
Karl,
Thank you for sharing this with everyone. Your strength shines through as you speak up, on behalf of yourself and others who’ve survived. Breaking that silence and speaking up is what helps to stop that.
btw - I’ve done a ‘guest writer post’ and have linked this post to it. Once it is posted on this other person’s site, I’ll let you know.
I, along with the many other commenters above, have been deeply touched by this.
~ZZ
Karl, you’re very welcome.
You’ll find it here: http://www.delmer.com/archives/2008/04/therapeutic_con.php#comments
~ZZ
Karl, I’m really proud of you. I know it was hard, but I also knew you had it in you.
Good show, my friend. And you rock for not only being so courageous, but so eloquent. Bravo.
Carly - Thanks. I’m glad to be part of this project. Can’t wait to see how much money was raised for RAINN.
[...] That’s right, it’s a him. Secondhand Karl, or just Karl, from Secondhand Tryptophan. His post was part of Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign 2008 to generate donations for RAINN, The [...]
Great post, Karl. I popped over from Shelli’s. I don’t believe in the death penalty either, but I’m pretty sure I could easily poke my thumbs into the throat of anybody who molests a child. It’s the most hateful, vicious and cowardly of crimes, and I’m sorry for what you went through.
I made a donation, but I didn’t see where to reference the number, your name, and website, so I emailed it to the address they use for PayPal. I hope that takes care of whatever administrative process you were hoping for.
Again, great post.
[...] Purple Tech Savvy Mama awarded Gray Matters Miss Britt and Shelli’s Sentiments awarded Secondhand Tryptophan S2 Do Life awarded Joy Unexpected Absolutely Bananas awarded Derfward [...]
[...] to everyone who got here because of the TWO Perfect Post Awards I was given for this post. Many thanks to Shelli and Miss Britt for awarding these to [...]
Karl, thanks for speaking up. I know it can’t be easy to do so - especially for a man - and I admire your courage.
Damn it! You made me cry. That is the last time I ever click anything that says “surprise me!”
Took me right back to hight school when there was a scandle about a local boy scout leader raping a boy on a camping trip. Everyone was following the story… everyone assumed the “boy” was a young camper.
One day a guy friend of mine (who I had a huge crush on and would spend countless hours with everyday during and after school) was installing a new radio in my car, I was asking him some questions about the story since I knew he was some kind of lower level assistant leader thing in the scouts. He simple said he knew the kid and the guy.
Immediately after that he completely ignored me. Avoided me at every turn. And when I continued to pursue some kind of answer, he simple became frighteningly cruel. He tore into me and tore me apart. I didn’t know what hit me.
Weeks later I found out he was “the kid”. He was this big, strong, athletic guy and he had been raped by a man who was suppose to be the guardian to young boys in his charge.
All the hurt and anger I felt from the way he treated me fell away without a second thought. I was still angry, but at the man who hurt my friend. Who took my friend away.
I tried to get close to him again. I wanted to be there for him, but being 17 and still so confused by everything, it was just a mess. What he thought was pity and disgust in my eyes, was love (for him) and anger (for “the man”). I never once saw him as a victim or “less than”, just my friend in pain.
I never saw him after graduation. I think about him every now and then and just hope that he is happy in his life.
Anonymous City Girl - Wow, that’s rough. I couldn’t even acknowledge my own shit until I was well into my 20s. Thanks for stopping by.
Somehow I missed this when you initially wrote it but I have to say that whatever happened to you, you’ve turned into an amazing person.