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Thanks to everybody who entered the t-shirt giveaway. I’ll be selecting the winners today and announcing them in tomorrow’s post. If you’re reading this, it’s too late to enter now. You had your shot. Hell, you had two freaking days to enter. And all you had to do was leave a comment! How much easier does it get than that?
This Sunday is another edition of SecondHand Radio on Blog Talk Radio. I hope you’ll tune in. My special guest this week is Jessica, otherwise known as Black Belt Mama. Surely you read her blog. And if you’ve only recently started reading 2HT, you’ll definitely want to check out her guest post here from last year’s “Summer of Love.” Ever since that video, I’ve had incessant crushy feelings toward Jessica, which sucks since she has a husband. What I’m really hoping for is a chance at Jessica’s sister. It is as close as I’ll get to Jessica at this point.
Show Time: 5pm Eastern Standard Time
Call-in Number: 646-716-9370
And there’s also a chat room available so you can jump in and participate while the show is live. If you need a reminder for the show, you can sign up at BTR and set a reminder on my show’s page. That way, it’ll e-mail you just before the show is set to begin. I always set my reminders to e-mail me an hour before my favorite shows.
By the way, if you want to be a guest on SecondHand Radio, just say the word. Here’s the lineup thus far, plenty of room.
April 27 - Vahid from Iron Fist
May 4 - No show due to TequilaCon
May 25 - Dave from Blogography
This is a post meant for the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign 2008, to generate donations for The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). You can visit the GBBMC page for all the information you need about RAINN and the campaign. More links available at the end of the post. Please donate!
I was (and perhaps still remain) an awkward, nerdy kid all throughout school. My sexual experiences in high school were pretty much nil, aside from the routine masturbatory marathons, where I’d lock myself in the bathroom and use shaving cream or baby oil to wax my Guggenheimer and fantasize about any number of girls in my class. But as far as sex with another person? Yeah, that didn’t happen until after I graduated high school.
I found myself, at 17, booked in some summer college courses “on the hill.” That’s what we called the branch of New Mexico State University, located at the base of the mountains in Alamogordo. Yes, after jumping right into college, I quickly burned out after a couple of semesters. Working full-time and going to school full-time? Craziness.
I really blossomed that first summer at NMSU-A. I got hit in the face with a volleyball, which knocked my glasses off and broke them. On the same day I went and got my hair cut and went with a totally different style, that spikey style that Kevin Bacon made so popular in “Footloose.” Yeah, baby, I was turning it loose.
Within a couple of weeks of this big transformation, my best bud’s ex-girlfriend (let’s call her Skank) called me up one night at work at the radio station. Now, this is the girl who totally screwed over my best friend by cheating on him. They’d been dating for a couple of years, I think. So she calls me at the radio station and said that she couldn’t BELIEVE how hot I was when she saw me at the mall arcade. I’d walked by her in the arcade - her staring at me and following me with her eyes as I walked - and said, “Hey, Skank.”
So here she is on the phone with me, saying how hot I am now. She was in shock once she realized it was me, saying hi to her in the mall. “I was wondering,” she said, “if you’d like to go out with me?”
I spent the next few moments with a whole slew of dichotomous thoughts bouncing around in between my ears. I mean, Skank was a good-looking girl, so it was flattering. Then there was the thought of getting laid because Skank was pretty much a sure thing. This isn’t a rare thing for me; I often think about sleeping with various women, even today. It’s just one of those things. I meet a woman and I immediately start thinking about whether or not she’s a good kisser, what she looks like naked, etc. All in the flash of a microsecond.
So, sure, I was thinking about going out with Skank in those few seconds. But then the anger returned and I said, “No, I don’t think so.”
She was surprised. “Why not?”
“Because I would never do that to my best friend. You fucked him over.”
“So, what? I’m not supposed to date anyone now?”
“Date whoever you want, Skank.”
“But I can’t date anyone who knows Bob (not his real name)!”
“Yeah, that’s a bitch,” I said in a sarcastic tone. She was right, though. When you live in a town of 34,000 people, everyone pretty much knows everyone else. So the dating pool was semi-limited.
“So you won’t go out with me because of Bob?”
“That’s right.” My virgin dick was punching me in the groin, yelling, “You fucking moron! Go out with her, fuck her brains out!” I mean, I’d heard she was really wild in bed. To me, that meant she was doing juggling and fire breathing or something. For sure she was putting one a hell of a show. Hell, I had no idea what “wild in bed” meant. At any rate, I was very proud that my BIG head was making the decisions (for once). Seriously? You don’t screw over your friends like that.
My first girlfriend came (so to speak) a few weeks later. She was gorgeous, and really smart, graduated from high school (a Baptist school, for what it’s worth) at 16 and she, too, was attending the summer session at NMSU-A. She wasn’t the first girl I ever kissed, but she was definitely the best kisser I’d had up to that point.
Not only that, but she was definitely #1 on the Blue Balls Leaderboard. Many a night would we make out and grind, my penis so hard it could carve a bust of George Washington out of diamonds. And my balls, oh Lord, my balls! They were inflated to the size of soccer balls, filled with my manly seed, just waiting to flood the plains of my woman’s love canal.
Yeah, never happened. I had opportunities, to be sure, but I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. And whaddya know? After we broke up she totally gave it up to a buddy of mine.
Story of my life.
Next time I do a RAINN post, it’ll be time to talk about my official deflowering.
DONATE TO RAINN HERE. When you donate, please make sure you reference “GBBMC2008,” and include my name (Karl Erikson) and blog name (duh, SecondHand Tryptophan).
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23 Responses to “Little Boy Blue, Come Blow Your Horn”
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If the little boy’s horn would have been blown, then maybe he wouldn’t have been so blue?
Blue balls are the worst, but they do make for a great story that involves Levi Lovin’
And this first girlfriend giving it up to your friend AFTER she was with you… that was the original GOOD LUCK CHUCK story. You got Frobbed, in multiple ways.
I admire your kahonays on that one dude. If only all men were as nice and stand up as you!
You so rocked the mullet, Karl! I’m amazed… pleasantly as it were. Nice story too. I love a man that will turn down a skank for his buddy. Um, that didn’t come out right. But you know what I mean.
I told you to NEVER tell that story to anyone! Oh man…now I’ll never live it down!!
Seriously, though, I love hearing stories like yours! What a great guy!! And SOOO damned cute! Even then, a hottie! Though, I must say, I like you better now.
Martymankins - Totally got robbed on that one. Many years later she found me on the Internet and e-mailed me. She lived about 45 minutes from me, but we never got together. She was married and living the good life.
Karen - If only PEOPLE in general were stand-up like that. I’ve seen guys screwing over guy friends, women screwing over women friends…just not right.
Winter - Oh yeah, I had the mullet, big time.
TSM - Sorry, I thought it’d be okay because I never mentioned your name.
OMG! You should totally get your hair cut like that again… that IS brutally hot! I so wish I could pull off that look.
I shall never look at Kevin Bacon in the same way again! (And he was a guest on the new series of Graham Norton last night)
What a sweet guy you were to turn her down and stick to the Man Code. Good for you!
What? Contest? DAMMIT! *sigh*
By the way, I have that rule too. No seeing my friend’s ex’s in a romantic way. it’s just wrong. Unfortunately, I am the only one of my friends to feel that way. Oh well. It’s just who I am.
Penelope - Love Graham Norton.
Kyra - Yeah, I don’t get how friends can do that to each other. Ridiculous. Us good folk need to band together.
Ok, am I the only one that sees this? Dude, is that a tie you’re wearing with a tee shirt? We’re the same age, and hell if I can remember that EVER being a good idea.
Now, I’ll go back and read the rest of this post.
That picture of you is liquid gold, baby!
I love all the simile and metaphor going on here…you sure can turn a phrase when it comes to hard dicks and blue balls!
Please don’t tell me you actually called it “Guggenheimer.” BTW, you look like someone straight out of Welcome Back Kotter or Slap Shot.
Nice hairdo back then! Oops missed your shirt give-way. Oh well. Hope you are doing well.
Is that a mullet I see?
Ah, Karl and I have walked the same malls. You can yell for someone in JC Penney and they’ll hear you at the other end of the mall in Sears.
Alamo has an Applebees now, moving up in the world, they are. Jealous you didn’t stick around for that? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
No wonder Skank hit on you. You look waaaaaaay better than Kevin Bacon.
Avitable - Indeed it is. That was before mullets really had a name. Back then they were just badASS.
Trysha - Actually, I’ve BEEN to Alamogordo’s Applebees. I’ve been back a few times since I left town…high school reunions and all.
Stacey - Aw, thanks. The check’s in the mail.
ARGH!! I just now grabbed your feed again, and I can’t believe I missed this amazing picture. Outstanding! I think I can hear some Steve Miller blaring out of the photo.