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I’m listening to my rambling on and on with Hilly on Snackie Radio. You can check it out here if you missed it on Sunday. Listen to it with the built-in player on that page, or you can download the podcast. Whatever.

And Hilly is kind enough to help me out with my first radio effort this Sunday on SecondHand Radio. What will we discuss? Perhaps we’ll talk television or politics or contortionist women that can touch their ankles to their ears. Maybe all of those things.

This will hopefully make for a power play of super radio shows all in a row. There’ll be my show at 5:00pm Eastern, then Snackie’s show, then Mr. Fab’s show, then Turnbaby’s. Yeah, I have yet to tune in to Fab’s show while it’s on the air. I think it’s because he comes on around dinner time for me, but I’m going to make an effort next weekend.

Thanks to John over at Buddha on the Road for awarding me with  "Blogging’s Major Award." John is one of my new reads and he clearly has exquisite taste. He refers to my post from yesterday and  gives me this sweet award, complete with the fabulous leg lamp from "A Christmas Story."

So a big hello to everyone who is visiting from John’s place, or through MyBlogLog and MyBlogCatalog. Cre8Buzz, too.

Now if someone would just mail me a real leg lamp, that’d be sweet.

Filed under 2HT Mentions, Local Goings On, Web/Tech, Weblogs | Comments (8)

My dearest Jaime,

I know it’s been a while since I wrote, but don’t take that as a sign that I don’t dig you any more. I assure you, the opposite is true. I’m still totally hot for you. My love is burning like a big burning log that’s on fire.

It’s just that, well, that restraining order you put on me made it difficult to see you. Normally I like to be in the restaurant kitchen so I can be close to your food before you eat it with your perfect mouth. But since I couldn’t be within 300 feet of you, I had to wait across the street with my binoculars, as if I were no better than some pervy creep. For shame!

So what’s new with you? You’d think that I would be busy with all sorts of my own projects, but I still spend a great deal of quality time courting you silently outside your flat. Last week I found one of your windows open, so I slipped inside to take a look around. You haven’t yet invited me in yourself, so I have to take these opportunities when they present themselves. I’m sure a phone call from you will remedy the situation at any moment. I left you a picture of me on your nightstand, do you like it?

I think your milk may have turned. I was going to pitch it for you, but then I remembered that milk is a very personal thing, so perhaps you’d rather make that call. I hope you don’t mind that I licked your cheese. I love Swiss. And did you notice? I folded all your laundry…you know, after I tried on all of your knickers.

I think that I’ve set a new world record, by the way…I’m waiting on verification from Guinness. As usual, I cleaned your shower while I was there, and I gathered more of your hair from the shower drain. My Jaime Murray hairball is now up to 48 pounds! Oops, sorry - you’re British, my sweet - 3 stone, 6 pounds.

I understand you’re on the show "Dexter" now, but I still love you from "Hustle." Even though we haven’t spoken since you left comments on my blog, I eagerly wait for a visit with you. Aren’t you filming "Dexter" here in the States? Where exactly do you film? Where’s your hotel, or are you renting a house? Anyway, just call me whenever you want, darling, particularly if you’re naked and/or masturbating.

I hope you know how much I love you. All you need to do is see the most popular search terms on my blog to know that I worship you. "Jaime Murray" gets dozens and dozens of hits every day. So does "Jaime Murray naked," "Jaime Murray breasts," and "Jaime Murray tight little ass." OK, I made that last one up, but I really do get lots of searches for you. You are quite popular.

What is it like to be so damned beautiful? Does your boyfriend know how lucky he is to have you? Does he love you and make you feel special like a princess, though? Does he smell all of your used forks and spoons like I do? Does he lick your armpits when you’re sleeping? Does he swab your bathroom sink to collect your DNA the way that I do? Some day I’ll clone you and keep you all for myself. Why? Because the world just doesn’t have enough Jaime Murray. *I* don’t have enough Jaime Murray.

I’ve tried calling you over and over but you either keep changing your number or you just don’t return my calls. It can’t be the time of day because I’ve tried calling you at midnight; at 2am; at 2:10am; at 2:11am; 2:13am; 2:15am; 2:16am (three times); 2:18am; 2:19am; 2:22am; 2:37am; 3am; 4am, 4:02am, 6am, 7am, and noon, all to no avail. Surely you recognize my Caller ID by now? I mean, after 38 calls a day, you’d think you’d have to know that it’s me.

I want you to know that I’ve repeatedly submitted your name to Ben & Jerry’s so that they’ll invent a new ice cream in your honor. You know how they make Cherry Garcia for the Grateful Dead’s Jerry Garcia? Well, not FOR him. He’s dead so that would kind of be a real waste of some good ice cream. But you know what I mean. Anyhow, for you I suggested they come up with VaJayJayJaime Murray. It’ll be flavored like you (before your workouts). That way I can lick Jaime Murray all day long. And trust me, Jaime, I CAN lick. All. Day. Long.

Are you feeling warm and tingly in your luscious "downtown area?" Mmmm. I want to strain pickled eggs all over your body, baby. I realize that’s kind of cliche, but what can I say? You make me a different kind of man, the kind of man that wants to keep my pee off the toilet seat. That’s the kind of love I have for you.

Oh, I’m also writing a screenplay with you in mind. It’s called "The Lusty French Maid Pirate Wench" and you have the title role. Here’s a small snippet:

NATASHA SCREWSALOT:

Karl, please! Stop talking with that damn sexy voice of yours and ravage me! Rip my bodice from my heaving bosom breasts and make me cry out your name over and over again!

KARL:

But what of your honor, m’lady?

NATASHA:

Screw honor. I’m the lusty French maid pirate wench for a reason. My loins are screaming for you now, you and your sword of manhood.

KARL:

Oh Lord, why did you send me this nymphomaniacal angel? Must you tempt me so?!

NATASHA:

Get your boxers off, boy, and be quick about it! Fetch me the clotted cream. It’s about to get nasty all up in here.

KARL:

Oh Natasha, you complete me.

NATASHA:

Yes, yes, you complete me, too. As soon as you enter my sugar walls, which are ever so thick and fluffy and moist, and don’t stop poking me until I say the safe word.

See? It’s Oscar-worthy stuff. You’ll be a huge movie star! Dig you go to the Oscars last weekend? Did you sit near anyone famous? You didn’t see Ellen Page in particular, did you? I hope she didn’t speak too ill of me. We had a brief fling but when I told her I was really holding out for you, she got all mad and jealous and shit and swore she’d get even with me. I didn’t mean to break her heart, but I suppose I can’t really blame her for wanting the best. Still, it’s a valuable lesson to learn. We can’t always get the best.

Well, babe, I’ve got to go. Give me a call, or just send me an e-mail. Let me know how you’re doing and what your itemized itinerary is going to be for the next few months.

I love you muchly.

Ever yours,

Karl

Filed under Celebrities | Comments (19)

This is my weekly column from the local newspaper.

Hard to believe, but we’ve been putting up with the presidential campaign shenanigans for 14 months already, and we still have at least another 7 months to go. This has got to be the longest campaign in United States history. It also has to be one of the closest ever races, with Obama and Hillary pretty much neck and neck. So it’s pretty amazing, I think, that we haven’t gotten down to the nitpicky namecalling until just recently.

The clincher was a few days ago, when Hillary came out spitting and clawing after some mailings went out from Barack. Hillary isn’t at all happy about what Barack wrote about her views and plans for health care. She says the pamphlets are wildly inaccurate. Barack says they’re completely on the money and everything can be verified. Ah, there we go. Finally, we’re down to the “He Said, She Said” portion of our election. Just when we thought the Democrats might be running a different sort of race, too.

Last week, during one of the Democratic debates sponsored by CNN, Hillary went so far as to bring up Barack’s supposed plagiarism, where he made a speech that was incredibly similar to another senator. Hillary is spitting mad, desperately clawing at everything and anything that might knock Obama from his winning streak of late. So she said that Obama’s speeches were basically “Xeroxed.” And what happened? She got booed by the audience. Not a good sign.

Yes, we have big primaries still to come. Texas and Ohio, for starters. But Barack Obama has won the last nine or ten contests in a row. Every time Hillary makes a slam on Barack, it backfires on her. She needs to just concentrate on her own campaign. Better yet, what she really needs to do is drop out of the race. It’s pretty obvious that Barack is going to be the Democratic candidate, and Clinton isn’t helping matters any by the hair-pulling and face-scratching. If she was any kind of decent, she’d pack it in now and endorse Barack so he can get down to the business of the general election.

Same with Mike Huckabee. Drop out, Mike. There’s not a snowball’s chance in Hades that you’re going to win. In fact, your situation is even worse than Hillary Clinton’s because at least it’s possible for her to win. Mathematically, it is IMPOSSIBLE for Huckabee to win. Even if he wins every remaining delegate in the Republican warehouse, he still won’t possess enough delegates to gain the Republican nomination. While it may be fun to watch candidates pick each other apart within the two parties, it’s really counterproductive to the general election.

There’s only so much money to go around, after all. I’m sure McCain and Obama would much rather spend their campaign dollars on each other, rather than on candidates within their own party. Every moment that McCain fights Huckabee and Obama fights Clinton is basically a wasted opportunity…an opportunity to fight their opponent in the opposite party.

But wait, there’s more. As of yesterday, Ralph Nader, campaign spoiler extraordinnaire, has announced that HE’LL be running for the Oval Office. Yes, I find it strange that the United States only has two political parties - I compare it to having only two brands of cereal to choose from in the supermarket. But that’s the way it is here…a third party candidate is basically a waste of ink on the ballots.

I say we print up the ballots now…Obama vs. McCain. Oh, and Nader. But hey, nobody asked me my opinion.

Filed under Column, Politics | Comments (8)